*Music News* Country singer Shania Twain has announced the birth of her son this morning. 'Choo Choo' was born at 7am weighing 5lb 6oz.
New motto for the workplace: There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it again.
A young colleague asked me for tips on married life. I replied, "It takes patience to listen, but it takes skill to pretend you're listening."
Bought the wife a matching bag and belt set for her birthday. She should have the vacuum cleaner working properly again soon.
Note to the ladies - Not all men want a relationship just for sex... Some of us expect the ironing done too
A female American tourist met a Scotsman one day, and as he was sporting a kilt, curiosity got the better of her and she asked him what was under it. "You'd better have a feel for yourself", he tells her, so she went ahead and delved in. "Ugghh!!" she said, "It's gruesome" "Aye lass," he replied happily, "It just grew some more.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day, the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles . The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers. The next day, the redhead painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6 miles and the blonde painted only 4 miles. The boss told her not to worry, you still have a good lead. So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile. The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong?, you were doing so well" . She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."
I've just seen a dead body in Pizza Hut covered in salami, ham and mushrooms, it looks like they topped themselves.
Bought the wife a little Pug dog yesterday. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, rolls of fat, bad breath & flatulence - the dog seemed to like her.
Today's Tip for Suicide bombers. If you really want to see 72 virgins, simply pop down to GAME at midnight when a new Call of Duty game comes out.
A wife is a bit like an old television. It used to look good, but now it's too big for the room, but you know you can't afford a newer model so you bang it anyway to keep it going
A man was sat on a train, opposite a woman wearing a very short skirt and no underwear. She asked him, "Are you looking up my skirt?" He flushed and said, "No.." She replied, "I don't mind, I can make it blow you a kiss if you like?" With that, she made her jack & danny blow the man a kiss. "Wow, that's incredible!" He uttered. She said, "I can make it wink at you." And with that, she made it wink at him. "Brilliant!" He exclaimed. She then said, "Would you like to stick two fingers in it?" The man replied, "Don't tell me you can make it fecking whistle??!!"
My mate got home from work today to discover his wife had left him & she took his Bob Marley collection as well as the satellite dish. I asked him how he was bearing up, and he said, "Miserable..........no woman no Sky."
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. ‘Where the hell have you been all night?’ she demands. ‘At this fantastic new bar,’ he says. ‘The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – hell, even the urinal’s gold!’ The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. ‘Is this the Golden Saloon?’ she asks when the bartender answers the phone. ‘Yes it is,’ bartender answers. ‘Do you have huge golden doors?’ ‘Sure do.’ ‘Do you have golden floors?’ ‘Most certainly do.’ ‘What about golden urinals?’ There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, ‘Hey, Dave, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!’
