A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make passionate love." The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love. After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!" "What's Bell 4?" The husband asks. "More hose," She replies, "You're nowhere near the fire!"
QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity". The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in". Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"? "Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair no matter how big they are"
Just received this back from Channel 4... On behalf of Channel 4, may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new upcoming reality TV show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed of your wife. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some misunderstanding of the programmes content and the correct title of the series, which is actually, "Fact Hunt". Kind regards, Director of Programmes Channel 4.
My mate sent his new blonde secretary to the corner shop for a pint of milk, and told her: "If they have eggs, get six." She returned with six pints of milk, so my mate asked why she had bought the six pints. The blonde replied, "They had eggs!"
My wife said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles. I said she would look stupid without any ears.
Donald Trump and Barack Obama went to the same Barbershop for a Shave. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different Barber, not a word was spoken. The Barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to Politics. As the Barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the Aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, if my Wife smells that she will think I've been in a Texan Whorehouse,' The second Barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you"..?? Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my Wife doesn't know what a Texan Whorehouse smells like.'..
The new guy at work reckons he can tighten nuts & bolts by just sitting on them. The rest of us think he torques out of his arse.
My mate asked me today who my favourite solo music artist is? I said "I'm not sure - it's a toss up between the Bee Gees and Wham."
I pointed out a news headline to my mate on our way back from a session at the pub: 'Two pedestrians killed in collision'. My mate slurred, "How fast were they fecking walking??"
I've just phoned the RSPCA to inform them I'd found six puppies in a suitcase by the side of the road. ''Are they moving?'' ''I'm not certain but that would explain the suitcase'' They hung up.
woman was enjoying a good game of Golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, NO..!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time..! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of Cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of Cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage..! You can make this for me any day." Needless to say, every Golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her Golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him..!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him..! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in..! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was trying to lick his arse."
I came home from the pub four hours late last night. "Where the fuck have you been?" screamed my wife. I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes." "Playing poker with some blokes?" She repeated. "Well, you can just pack your bags and go!" "So can you," I said. "This isn't our house anymore."
I was watching a programme about the moon landings with my mate and his family when his little lad said, "I wish I could be shot into space." His mother replied, "You would have been if your father had done as he was told."
My mate said he enjoyed a crafty wank under the sheets this morning. Apparently he now has to find a new barber...
A woman at work bet me a tenner that she could get the day off and I couldn't. She then proceeded to hang upside down from the ceiling until the boss eventually walked in and asked her, what she was doing? 'I'm a lightbulb', she said. He told her that she'd been working far too hard and sent her home. She gave me a sarcastic smile as she left but I followed her out. The boss asked why I was going too? 'I can't work in the dark, all day', I said
My mate said his girlfriend always wears a Wonderbra. When she takes it off, he wonders where her boobs have gone.
