Ipswich Town defender Steven Taylor believes youngsters should still clean boots. If our local store is anything to go by, they should still clean Asda as well...
To all of you who received a book from me for their Christmas gift.............these books are now due back at Holmfirth Library. Can you return asap otherwise you will be liable for fines.
A Chinese family of 5 , named Chu, Bu, Hu, Tu and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States. In order to get a Visa, they had to adapt their names to American Standards. Chu became Chuck. Bu became Buck. Hu became Huck. Tu became Tuck. Fu decided to stay in China.
My girlfriend called me a filthy pervert the other day... "Fuck me, a talking sheep". I thought to myself.
Mourinho has promised Man Utd fans they will be in a major European competition next year. Even if he has to write the song himself.
A guy was out hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his Doctor. "Well, Sir, I have some good news and some bad news -the good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot." "What's the bad news"..?? asked the Hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your Marriage Machine which left quite a few holes in it". "I'm going to have to refer you to my sister", says the Doc. "Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the Hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon"..?? " Not exactly" answered the Doctor. "She's a flute player in the London Symphony Orchestra". "She's going to teach you where to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye".
Got home from work last night & the wife had a sumptuous dinner ready. She had cleaned the house from top to bottom, mowed the lawn & weeded all the beds. The windows were sparkling & all the washing had been done, ironed & put away. The kids had been fed, bathed & were asleep in bed. Even the dog had been given a bath. As I tucked into the delicious meal I thought to myself, "Facebook must be down again..."
"Can you read that car's number plate from here?" My instructor asked this morning. "Easily." I replied. "Then pull the cord & open the fecking parachute!" He yelled.
An American woman of 40 wants to get married. But she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a Personal Ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the bedroom piled into one corner. "What happened"..??? she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says, "But if it's anything like humping a Kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get"
Holmfirth has a library? :Wideyed: That's a bit like Tel Aviv having a pork butcher's shop. :Facepalm:
Tel may have a couple of bans up his sleeve @wroughtironron :Bag: I can tell he's just itching atm. :Nailbiting:
The mother in law was taken to hospital after a bee landed on her face. She wasn't stung, I was really quick with the spade.
Statistics say that high numbers of car accidents happen within three miles of the home. I minimise the risk of this by renting a garage four miles away and commuting to it on my bike.
An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job, so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside "Get your treatment for £500,if not treated get back £1000" One doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn £1000,and goes to the clinic. Doctor : I have lost my taste in my mouth. Engineer: Nurse please bring medicine from the 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth Doctor : This is petrol Engineer :Congratulations! You've got your taste back.that will be £500. The doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor :I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything Engineer:Nurse please bring medicine from 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.. Doctor :But that is petrol Engineer : Congratulation!You've got your memory back.That will be £500. The doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor :My eyesight has become weak. Engineer : Well,I don't have any medicine for this.Take this £1000. Doctor : But this is £500 Engineer: Congratulations! You've got your vision back.That will be £500..
Four engineers get in a car. The car won't start. The Mechanical Engineer says: "It's a broken starter" The Electrical engineer says: "Dead battery" The Chemical engineer says: "Impurities in the gasoline" The IT engineer says: "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in ?"
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
