A Blonde goes over to her friend's house Wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt. "Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?" "Oh crap!" The blonde says. "I didn't Realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."
A little old lady answers a knock at her door. Only to be met by a travelling vacuum cleaner salesman. Before she had a chance to speak, the man tips a bucket full of dog shit over her carpet and explains :- "Madam, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove every trace of that dog shit.......I will personally eat what's left". "Well".. She says, "I hope you are fucking hungry. Cos the bastards cut off my electricity this morning"......
A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat. The doctor asked "What happened to you?" "Well I was playing Golf with my wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cow’s fanny, I yelled to my wife 'this looks like yours', I don't remember much after that ..."
The lesbian couple next door bought me a Timex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."
A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the Supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in Ghosts"..?? About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in Ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a Ghost"..?? About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a Ghost"..?? 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a Ghost"..?? 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a Ghost"..?? Abdul Ali, away in the back seats, raises his hand. The Professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a Ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The bewildered student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the Professor says, "Well, so tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost"..?? Abdul Ali replied, "Ahh sorry!! From way back there I thought you said "Goats".
I went to the sign writers and ordered a 6 foot A, a six foot S and a six foot K. He said " I'll see what I can do but it's a big ask"
Donald Trump has been declared bankrupt four times. He's still having trouble with checks and balances.
Barcelona made an incredible 859 passes the other night. Manchester United could only manage that if they got Wayne Rooney and put him on Mastermind.
Bloody Autocorrect: Been searching for 'Busty Babes', and I keep getting photos of Manchester United players from the 1960s...
Walking into the bar, Dave says to Pat the Bartender, "Quick Pat, pour me a stiff one - I've just had another fight with the wife." "Oh Yeah?" said Pat, "And how did this one end"..?? "When it was over," Dave replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees." "Really," said Pat, "Now that's a result..! What did she say"..?? She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little fucking coward"
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
A young man who has just joined us at work asked if we had any tips for dating girls. I said, "Never have sex with any girl who can spell 'gonorrhoea' at the first attempt."
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office one day and the doctor is bowled over by her stunningly good looks and all his professionalism goes right out the window... He tells her to take off her skirt, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her blouse and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her tits and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her knickers, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I'm here"
The wife's been hinting she wants something black & lacy for Valentine's Day. Just bought her a lovely pair of football boots.
