To all the beautiful peeps out there: Happy Valentine's Day. To the rest of us fatties: Chin up, it's Pancake Day next week.
I told my mate that I'm having problems in the bedroom. Him, (being a Doctor) prescribed me Viagra. Not sure how the fuck that's going to help me assemble my new IKEA wardrobe ...
Young motorcyclists pick a destination and then go. Retired motorcyclists pick a direction and then go.
Coroner to bereaved husband. "Sir when did you first notice that your dear departed wife was dead ?" "Well" he replies, "The sex was the same, but the dirty dishes were starting to pile up in the sink"
The wife was boasting that women are better at multi-tasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. She couldn't do either...
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
My budgie broke his leg the other day so I made some splints for him out of two matchsticks. When he tried to walk you should have seen his little face light up
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
last night I dreamt I was having sex with the blonde one from ABBA But his beard kept tickling me and I couldn't concentrate...
My mate has given his new girlfriend the nickname 'Happy Meal'. He says she's not enough to satisfy him, but she comes with a toy.
Dear Jeremy Kyle, I am 14 years old and pregnant with my Boyfriend, who is 20 years older than me. and he Is married with 3 kids. He is also a Drug Dealer, carries a Gun and is just out of Prison for Armed Robbery. My Question to you is :- How do I tell my parents he's a Man Utd fan..????
Me and the missus were supposed to go out on the town last night but things didn't go to plan. When she came downstairs after getting herself dolled up in the fancy new frock I bought her from the charity shop, I said "do you have new perfume on?" She answered "yes. It's called "Come To Me". I replied "it doesn't smell like cum to me" and that's the last thing I remember...
Paddy was banging on last night about his fancy new smartphone when I asked him: "What ring tone have you got?" "I've not looked, but it's probably brown"!
