My uncle always used to say, "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more." Good man. Not such a good anaesthetist...
In a club last night and this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "give me your phone number sexy". I said "have you got a pen''. She smiled and said "yes". I said "well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing".
Sent the wife to buy some plaice for dinner yesterday. She came back with some other kind of fish that was half the price. Fecking cheap skate.
2 Irishmen working in a field, Paddy is digging holes, Mick is filling them in. After 9 holes a woman walking by asks, "Why are you digging a hole and the other lad is filling it in?" Paddy replies, "There's normally 3 of us, but the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick today."
Met JK Rowling yesterday & just had to ask her about Harry's father. She thinks it's James Hewitt too..
Paddy says to Mick, "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me."
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied: "I'm going to Las Vegas." He asked her why she was going. She told him: "I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free." He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch. His wife said: "And just where do you think you are going?" "I'm going too!" he replied. "Why?" she asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!"
I was doing some gardening work last weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?” She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?” I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn’t sure and said, “What?”. I repeated the gestures: “EYE KNEE THE RAKE”. My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, “What the hell was that?” She replied, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH. I'll get me coat.
The wife has just been diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder. Just my luck, all of them have a headache at bedtime...
A laboratory making prosthetic limbs for very obese people was burgled early this morning. Police are looking for two heavily-armed men.
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?" Billy says, "In the car." Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
My mate said his wife told him she had just spent £500 on 2 pictures that would soon make her over £200,000. "She must be a smart businesswoman, what are they pictures of?" I asked him. He told me they were pictures of him shagging his secretary.
"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?" "Because your Mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter." "Thanks Dad." "No problem Alan."
My mate took his new girlfriend to a posh restaurant last night. He told me no sooner had they sat down than she started playing footsie under the table. Cutting a long story short: He had a terrific rump steak and she got toed in the hole.
Not so much a joke but just a funny pic.... Gotta hand it to my daughter for finding this one... Sent from my SM-P900 using Tapatalk
