There was outrage today, as mobile phone footage showed an innocent passenger being dragged onto a Ryanair flight.
Help! I’m playing Scrabble with Midge Ure and he's beating me. I’ve only got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me: OVNR.
Gutted you didn't get a ticket for Glastonbury this year? Just put 12 different cd's on around the house and then stand at the back of the garden occasionally throwing pints of piss down your back.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.... The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted.
A well-dressed man goes into the only greengrocer shop in a small town, and asks to buy all the rotten fruits and vegetables they have and were about to dispose of. The shop attendant says to him, "You must be planning to see the visiting politician, to throw these at him, when he gives a speech in town tonight." The man replies, "No. I am the visiting politician.
Police officer: Would you blow into this bag so I can test your blood alcohol? Driver: No, I can't. I have asthma. Police officer: Well, then, would you come down to the station for a blood test? Driver: No, I can't. I'm anemic. Police officer: Would you then try getting out and walking in a straight line?... Driver: No, I can't. I'm too drunk.
Paddy is fitting a kitchen in a posh house when the woman asks him if he'd like something to drink. Paddy accepts and soon after the woman brings him a mug of coffee. "Excellent coffee," says Paddy. "Thank you," says the woman. "My husband brought it back from Brazil." "That's great," says Paddy, "and it's still warm as well."
I could smell the cooking from my Korean neighbours house today. I knocked on the door and said, "Your wife's cooking is amazing, I can smell the spicy chicken from here." He said, "It's actually your dog." I said, "Fuck off mate, my dog can't even cook."
If you think a dog can't count, try putting 3 dog biscuits in your pocket & then give him just 2 of them.
As I get older I love Easter Egg hunts more & more. I hide Easter Eggs in my own garden & then promptly forget where I put them: Hours of fun!
Rules For Men To Follow To a Happy Life: 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
My young nephew said to me the other day, "Did you know that in some countries you don't find out who your wife is until you marry her?" I replied, "I think you'll find it's like that everywhere mate."
I went to the doctors and told him I was suffering from constant premature ejaculation. He said, " It must be very stressful for your wife". I said," To be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits".
I came clean this morning & told our next door neighbour I have been having an affair with his wife for the last 9 months. "Are you serious?" He asked. I replied, "No, it's just sex."
