Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea an...d scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
My kids have become useful for finding funny shit on the web... A la... Sent from my SM-P900 using Tapatalk
The new blonde secretary at work has been sat in the pub for hours with a puzzled expression on her face. She can't work out how her brother has 4 sisters, yet she only has 3.
The mother in law went riding for the first time today. It was the only time I have wanted to lose 200 pounds on a horse.
The dog just licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard, and earned himself an online college degree.
My two sons just had an argument over me of having a "favourite child" Which is ridiculous I don't like either of them
"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife whilst she was in labour. "Fuck off you bastard!" She screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought, - it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the Hospital
I want to stop smoking so my mate said to me, "try the E things." It's not worked, I'm still smoking but now I can't stop dancing.
The wife wants a mini cooper for her birthday. Where the hell am I going to find a midget who makes barrels?
Just seen a man slumped over a lawn-mower crying his eyes out... He said he'll be OK, he was just going through a rough patch...
The wife asked me to name all the women I've slept with. Maybe I should have stopped when I got to her name...
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the ...planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine… Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried “Oh God, Oh God, forgive me! What should I do?” And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke… “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”
