Three blokes sat in the pub. Mick says, "Women are so stupid. My wife just bought a car and she can't even drive!" Dave says, "Listen, my wife's on a diet and she's not even fat!" Paddy says,"That's feckin' nuthin'- my wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock"
My mate said his wife was told that anal sex can cure constipation. Apparently they've had anal sex twice a day for a week now. She has a very sore arse, and he's still constipated.
A bloke suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.... He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.' The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. 'No money in the bank.' The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.' The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters- Nuns are married to God " The patient replied, "In that case send the bill to my brother-in-law"
A blonde woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” the airline guy said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” He further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The blonde wailed, “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
Paddy asked his wife what she want's for her birthday. She said, "I'd love a black iPad." So he punched her.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in the world there's an idiot pulling a door that says "Push."
I went to Dubai recently on holiday and I was offered 20 Camels in exchange for my wife. I don't actually smoke but I thought fuck it, best offer I'm likely to get.
Bought the wife a new fridge for her birthday. It might not be much, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
I was watching porn with my mate last night when his wife walked in. Embarrassing way to find out what she does for a living.
There's nothing worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face... apart from finding out that it was traced.
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man it's £1.99 a minute?
If a fire-fighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?
I should have known it would never work out between me and my ex-girlfriend - after all, I'm a Pisces and she's a bitch.
A woman goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider?" The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is." "That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
I had a job at a Cadbury's factory putting fudge bars in to boxes. I had to quit though because every time someone would walk past they would say, "Oh packing fudge are we?" Or "Hey up, he's packing fudge again." Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts. I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember.
