Two Irishmen in a Dark Cave. "I can't see anything." says Paddy, "Do you have a Match"..?? Murphy gives him a Match and he strikes it against the wall of the cave and nothing happens. He strikes it again, still nothing. He then says, "Hey Murphy, this Match doesn't work." "That's funny," says Murphy, "It worked okay this morning."...
My mate is convinced his girlfriend has too many nuts in her diet. He reckons whenever they have anal sex, his old boy always looks like a Lion Bar afterwards.
My mate said he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them. Personally I think he torques out his arse!!!...
My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrow's off and draw a cock on his forehead. My sister went fucking mental when she looked in his pram.
A catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, "I'm pregnant" He asks, "How did this happen my child?" She says, "I think it must be the second coming! The priest, shocked by this reply asks, "What makes you think it is the second coming?" She replies, "Because I swallowed the first!"
My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!" Guess who had to put the batteries in.
A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey
I can't wait for today to start.It's come to work in a bra and knickers day. Well, that's what we've told the apprentice!!.
The largest condom factory in the United States burned down. President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone. "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week." Trump: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico .." Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?" Trump: "Okay, I'll call May and tell her we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans." Three days later, a delighted President Trump ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested.. All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one: MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL..
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "is this your wife sir", shocked i answered "yes". They said "I'm afraid it looks likes she's been hit by a bus", I said "I know, but she takes it up the arse,and she's good with the kids".
There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is." Bloody Foreigner.
A blind man walked into a library and asked, "Do you have any books on tape?" The librarian replied, "Yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject to be honest.."
Good News From THERESA MAY in Downing Street , London Concerning UK Pensions and Benefits. نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماپيدا نيست نقش If I Hear Anything Else, I'll Let You Know ........
Yesterday I was polishing an old lamp we have when all of a sudden a genie popped out and said they could grant me one wish. "Wow, in that case I want to live forever," I said. "Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that." "Alright then," I said, "I want to die when Boro win the Premier league then." "You crafty bastard" said the genie
Scientists who are claiming graphene to be the thinnest black material ever developed have obviously never bought Aldi value bin liners.
The wife suggested a weekend away in a quiet hotel near the sea. I had a great time, but she hasn't spoken to me since. Apparently she wanted to come with me.
"Doctor, I can't find a comfortable position to sit." The Doctor examined Harry and said, "I'm not surprised that you're having trouble sitting; you have a good case of haemorrhoids." He then gave Harry a supply of suppositories, and told him, "Go home now, and use one of these each morning and one at night until they're gone. Then come back and we'll see how you are. "Harry went home, and in a couple of weeks returned, still complaining of haemorrhoids. "Well, " said the Doctor, "Did you use all of the suppositories"..?? "Yes, I did," said Harry. "I took one every morning and every night as you instructed, even though they were pretty hard to swallow." "For all the good they did me, I might just as well have shoved them up my arse"..
