FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH His dizzy aunt ——————————————————-Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes——————————-Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store —— Stop N Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia —————————-U Gogh His magician uncle ——————————-Where-diddy Gogh His Mexican cousin ————————————-A Mee Gogh The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother ———– Gring Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach ————– Wells-far Gogh The constipated uncle —————————————–Can’t Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt ——————————-Tang Gogh The bird lover uncle ——————————— Flamin Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking ——————Way-to-Gogh The little bouncy nephew ——————————– Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco ———————————- Go Gogh And his niece who travels the country in an RV — Winnie Bay Gogh I saw you smiling. … there ya gogh
My mate came home from work to find his wife scrubbing the kitchen floor. She had her back to him, she wore a short skirt, had her bum in the air and was wearing no knickers. Unable to resist temptation, he lunged at her from behind. When he finished her stepped back & kicked her up the arse. When she asked, "What was that for?" He replied, "That's for not turning round to see who it was."
When you're dating :- "I love your sense of humour". When you're married :- "Everything's a fucking joke with you, isn't it"..???"
I've just turned 60 and I have the following question. When I was 20 and had an erection, it was so hard I couldn't bend it even using my two hands. Now when I have an rection. I can bend it easily with just a finger and a thumb. Does this mean I am getting stronger ?
My mate says the first thing he notices in a woman is her eyes. Then when her eyes aren't looking, he notices her tits.
The wife always wanted to be married in a castle, so after popping the question I made her dream come true. You would have thought she could have at least smiled a bit as we were bouncing around.
A fella goes into his local bank and says to the manager, "I'd like to borrow £100,000 to open a cheese factory in Cheshire. It's gonna be great." "Wow, hold on a minute", says the bank manager. "There's already a company called Cheshire Cheese - you're gonna have to come up with something better than that." The guy comes back next week, and says, "Right I've got it. I want to borrow £200,000 to open a cheese factory in France. It's gonna be called Brie Cheese." "I'm afraid that one's already there too," says the bank manager. "Brie Cheese is world famous, so I can't lend you the money for that." In a last ditch attempt, the man comes back in the following week. "Right", says the man, "I've got it. I want to borrow £500,000 to open a cheese factory in Israel." "Oh, now we're talking," says the Bank Manager. "What are you going to call it"..?? The man says, "Cheeses of Nazareth."
My mate has always enjoyed a cigarette after a good meal. Thanks to his wife's cooking, he's managed to quit smoking.
I was walking down the high street the other day and I saw two blind guys coming out of the pub, obviously a little worse for wear, and squaring up to fight. I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off
A mother takes her four year old daughter into the bank and the little girl goes up to the counter and says, "As I now have a job I would like to open a bank account." The manager replies oh what sort of a job do you have?" The little girl replies, " I have a job on a building site." The mother explains that they have builders working on land at the bottom of their garden and the builders have taken a shine to her daughter and let her turn the hose on and off, and as she has been so helpful have given her a proper pay packet. "Well that's wonderful.” Says the bank manager, “It's so good to work hard and receive a pay packet, are you working next week?" "Yes.” Says the little girl, “If those cunts from Jewson deliver the fucking bricks on time."
The British & Irish Lions recent defeat led head coach Warren Gatland to state that they learn more in defeat than victory. At this rate the Lions will be owning The next series of University Challenge.
My mate posted an ad on a dating site, it read: 'Professional gent seeks companion for long walks in the country, stopping at pubs for a cool drink & having a meal afterwards. Must be prepared to curl up together on the sofa & let me stroke your hair.' He got a reply from a golden retriever...
Walking to work at the local hospital when a woman at the bus stop went into labour. The wife turned to me & said, "Well don't just stand there!" So I started doing star jumps.
I was kissing a girl outside my local pub last night. Things were getting pretty heated and it seemed like my luck was in. "Would you like a wank"..??, she asked. "Hell yeah", I replied. "I'll be in the bar when you've finished". She said.
After having sex with Kylie Minogue yesterday. I think there are two things, you all need to know. Firstly, she really is as sexy as hell, Secondly the staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable bastards, with no sense of humour.
