The operators of the London Eye are trying to deal with a malfunction. Apparently it keeps going on the blink.
My mate said his wife was weeding the garden when a black boxer jumped her from behind & tried to have sex with her. "Did you report him to the Police?" I asked. "No." He replied. "We took him to the vet to have his claws clipped."
I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "£5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him. "That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab" I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?". "£5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him. "I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab" I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue. "How much to the station ?". "£5" said the driver. "Ok" I said "Let's go" As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face!!.
I filled out a job application for the local council today and under disabilities I put narcolepsy and tourettes syndrome. So not only will I be able to sleep at work, but if someone tries to wake me up I can tell them to fuck off
My girlfriend just walked out of the kitchen, looked at me and said, "I'm afraid that you need to get a new dish washer." I said to myself, "That's a strange fucking way to break up with someone!!
My mate has never been to church. He reckons religion is basically an argument about who has the best imaginary friend.
My mate & his wife had triplet boys a few years ago, and they named them: Matt, Pat & Tat. My mate could never understand why Matt & Pat grew much faster & bigger than their youngest brother. His wife finally had to explain to my mate, there was no tit for Tat.
An Arab went to a local Sheikh and asked him - "Oh venerable Sheikh, isn't it true that Islam allows the victor's of war to take the defeated as slaves"..??? The Sheikh told him "Yes my son, it does." Then the man asked "And isn't it true that their women become our concubines?" The Sheikh responded "Yes my son, they do." "So if we beat the Israelis in war, we can fuck their women?" the man continued. "Son, if you beat the Israelis in war, you can come over to my tent and fuck me."
A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened?" she asks anxiously. "What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to your daughter yesterday telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with another man in our bed! This is unforgivable, the absolute end of our marriage. I'm done! Leaving forever!" "Oh, come now, calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "There now, just settle down! I told you there surely is a simple explanation!” "Well, it better be good! What is it?" he fumed. "She never got your e-mail!"
I saw JK Rowling on the news earlier talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a little wizard this much since Debbie McGee.
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus The Barman says "do you mean a martini ?" To which Julius replies "if I had wanted a double i would have asked for one "
I picked up a big fat girl wearing a jogging tracksuit in my taxi and she asked me to drop her off at the local Park. She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me as I pulled away "You go girl", I shouted with a wolf whistle. "You'll soon be losing those kilos, before you know it." "My fuckin' scarf's trapped in the taxi door, you sarcastic twat", she yelled.
Gran used to claim one of her friends once gave Albert Einstein a hand job. Apparently it was a stroke of genius.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine . A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
