One day, Paddy and Mick were walking through the Woods when they saw some Rabbit Shit. Paddy said: "What's That"..?? "'They're Smart Pills," says Mick "Eat them and they'll make you smarter".. So Paddy ate them and said: "Jeez. They taste like Shit".. "See," says Mick, "You're getting fucking smarter already."..
Walking home from a good session in the pub with my mate, we were stopped by a prostitute who lifted her skirt to show her crotchless knickers & her fanny. She said to my mate, "Do you fancy a bit of this?" He replied, "Sod off! Have you seen what it's done to your knickers??"
Q. How many eggs does a French person have for breakfast? A. Only one. Because in French, one egg is un oeuf.
My mate was worried he may end up taking his girlfriend to the hospital after they used a vacuum cleaner nozzle as a sex toy. But apparently she's picking up nicely now.
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike - - Mike." "Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?” “Mike - - it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died!" "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,"insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too,and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!" That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're in the team this Saturday".
As I left the pub last night I saw two thugs beating the crap out of my mate. "Don't just stand there!" He yelled. "Knock one out!" I still don't see how me having a wank helped him....
My mate who works as a fire fighter was called to a blaze at a gay club last night. He said he was amazed to find another 50-odd fire fighters in attendance, along with 30 construction workers, 25 red Indians and 40 cowboys.
Tommy discovered his wife was cheating with another guy, so he went to the guy's wife and told her about it. "I know what we will do", she said, "Let's take revenge on him." So together they went to a motel and had revenge. After 10 minutes, she said, "Let's have more revenge," and they took revenge again. After 5 times, Tommy was lying spent, and she said, "Let's take revenge again." Tommy said, "Let's forgive them..... *I have no more hard feelings left "
A little girl loses her mum in Asda and is sobbing her heart out. A security guard asks the little girl 'what's your mum like?' 'Big cocks and vodka' replies the little girl.
My girlfriend told me she'd slept with seven people before we met. I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
what does a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common? they can both smell it but they cant eat it
Just told my mate that the dog from 'Britain's Got Talent' has sadly died. He said, "That's a shame. I didn't even know Amanda Holden was unwell?"
I hate it when people take the piss out of Scousers. Say what you like, but they are indirectly responsible for one of the greatest motoring inventions of our time. Locking wheel nuts.
