Turns out Arsenal striker Danny Welbeck's Dad, "Stan"was a world famous Bomb Disposal Expert. Stan Welbeck
A friend spent some time working in the comms room for paramedics in Glasgow when a pregnant young lady rang to say her waters had broken. "Where are you ringing from?" Asked my friend. "Fae ma fanny tae ma ankles!" Was the reply....
Wayne Rooney retired from International Football yesterday saying. "I can't possibly manage to put all my energy into England, Everton and Nanna Elsie from Huyton".
A teacher from Glasgow asked her pupils if they know any collective nouns for groups of animals. "Please, Miss," says Jenny, "A flock of sheep." "Well done, Jenny." "Please, Miss," says Tommy, "A herd of cows." "Well done, Tommy." "Please, Miss," says Mary, "A shoal of fish." "Well done, Mary." Then wee Jimmy (it's always wee Jimmy) puts his hand up... "Please Miss," He says, "What about a dose of crabs?"
We were going out last night and the missus was in the bathroom for fecking hours. Finally, she flung the door open, stood there and said, "Be honest, am I too fat for this?" I replied, " Yes but don't feel bad about it, it's only a small bathroom."
SENIOR SEX The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
My mate told me he really suffers from insomnia. But looking on the bright side, he says it's only 3 sleeps until Christmas.
A bloke rushes into the clubhouse yelling that his wife had been hit by a golf ball. "Where did she get hit?" asked another guy." "In between the first and second hole!" he shouted. "She must have a really wide stance."
A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into their driveway. "What happened"..?? asked the wife. "You should have been home hours ago ?" "Pete had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband. "Oh God, that's terrible," said the wife. "I know," the husband answered. "All day long it was - Hit the Ball, Drag Pete, Hit the Ball, Drag Pete"..
the German Government plans to build camps for illegal immigrants, refugees and asylum seekers deep in the German Countryside. They're going to be called be called Black Forest Ghettos
As I was getting ready to meet my new date, My Mum asked, "So where did you meet her" ..?? "On The Internet Tinder Site," I told her. "What, on one of those Dating Sites" ..?? She inquired. "Yeah, well. sort of" I mumbled. "Awww, That's so sweet", "So what's her name ..??" My Mum asked me excitedly... "SwanseaSlutDoes69"..
My mate says his sister thinks that the bigger a man's feet, then the larger his cock is. Apparently she doesn't half bring some clowns home.
Old George goes off with a prostitute from Leeds. He drops his pants, gets his Willy out and the Yorky Hooker. says "Eee by gum, that's a gud un".. George says "Whats a gud un"..?? She repies, "It means a Big One".. She drops her knickers and the Old Boy says "Eee by gum, that's a canny un".. She says "What's a canny un"..??? Old George replies, "A fucking big Valley that Cowboys ride their Horses through"..
