What goes.. Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG...!! Clipetty clop clipetty clop clipetty clop clipetty clop clipetty clop clipetty clop ?...... An Amish drive-by shooting
The boss put up a big notice in the staff room at work, it had the title: 'Forthcoming Events'. I thought, "That's a sign of things to come."
I went out last night and got totally smashed. I woke up in the morning next to a fat ugly slag who was snoring loudly. But at least I got home safely.
As the first shovel of earth landed on the traffic wardens coffin. There was a loud banging sound from the coffin along with a muffled shout of "I'm not dead let me out"!!! The vicar stepped forward and looked into the grave. Then tutted and shouted back " sorry mate. Too late I've already done the paperwork".
The wife keeps saying she wants something silky for her birthday. Lucky for me, Dulux currently have a great deal on their magnolia emulsion..
Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair. After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England". "That is remarkable value", Michael comments. "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1." "I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please". Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir". O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3." O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". "I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary." "I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof". "I will never use this bar again". "OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself Naked in her bathroom mirror... remembering her times with Bill Clinton . Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her, big time. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...??? "God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you completely", she prayed. And just like that, both her ears fell off
Walking through the jungle, I spotted a monkey carrying a bunch of bananas and a can opener. "You don't need a can opener to peel bananas." I said to him. He replied, "I know, it's for the custard."
Rolf Harris Stuart Hall and Jimmy Saville walk into an Irish bar. The barman says ' oh no, not yewtree again '.
Fred Galsworthy, inventor of the Football "Red Card" sadly died last week. He was given a fantastic send-off
The Bank of England lied when they said the new £10 note would last longer than the old one. After 2 pints of beer and a packet of crisps it was gone, just like the old one.
My mate said his new girlfriend's orgasm is like the weekend: It takes ages to get to it, and when it finally arrives he's too tired to enjoy it.
Just e-mailed my application to join a dominatrix club. Had an instant reply thanking me for my submission.
A son asks his Dad :- "What's the difference between Theoretically and Realistically"..??? Dad says, 'That's a hard one but I have an idea. Ask your mum if she would sleep with Wayne Rooney for £1million"..?? Mum says, "Damn yes". Dad says, "Now go and ask your sister if she would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds"...?? The Sister also says, "Hell yes". Dad then says, "Now go and ask your brother, if he would"..?? He too says, "Yes". 'Well there you go then son, you have your answer". "Theoretically we're sitting on £3million quid, but realistically we're living with two manky slags and a fucking poofter."
