I walked into the kitchen this lunchtime and said to the wife "Excuse me, but why is there a broken condom on the settee?" The wife tensed up and said "where?" before going to check it out. When she returned, she told me straight - "For fucks sake, stop calling our son a "Broken Condom"
My mate went to dinner with a girl who works in the Stock Exchange. He said it went well, because they played FTSE under the table.
Paddy and Mick looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too." Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"….. 3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?" "No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though………… Her clothes arrived yesterday"
My mate went to donate sperm the other day, and the nurse asked him to masturbate in the cup. He politely declined & left. Apparently he doesn't think he's ready to do it competitively.
Apparently Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner. She didnt want to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks
My mate lives in a rough area, and his says that trying to find a fit girl in the local pubs is like playing crazy golf: As much as he wants that perfect hole, his balls always end up bouncing around some hippo's teeth.
Its not easy being a Dyslexic. I got my sleeping tablets mixed up with my Viagra. Ended up having forty wanks.....
Michael J Fox has always been a keen gardener. His favourite flowering plant used to be the hydrangea, but now he's gone back to the fuchsia.
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story? You can't kill two birds with one stone.
A man who couldn't see, hear, smell, feel or taste punched my mate whilst we were drinking in the pub last night. The rest of us agreed there was no need for senseless violence.
A German arrives at Heathrow Airport "Name please ?" asks the Immigration Officer. "Angela Merkel", replies the German. "Occupation ?" "No, just visiting"
Had 3 text messages in quick succession from my mate today: "I'm giving up alcohol for a month." "Shit. Bloody typo." "I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month."
Just had a chat with my neighbour's teenage daughter. Turns out she's well into UFOs!. Which is handy as she's getting abducted tomorrow.
My son told me today he might be gay, but he wasn't sure..?? So I put on some gay porn, and asked him, "Well, does this turn you on"..??? Disgusted, he said, "No. Not really." "Why not"..??, I asked. "Don't the big dicks and hairy bums do it for you"..?? "They usually do", he replied. "But not when it's you and Uncle Bob"
The wife asked which of her friends I would choose if I could have a threesome. Apparently I wasn't supposed to choose two of her friends.....
The "Magnificent Seven" were booked to do an advert for aftershave in Liverpool. Problem was only six turned up. "Yul Never Wore Cologne". Was the one missing.
