Joke Page

What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.

What's the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
The position of the dirt bag.

It was only when I bought a fast motorbike that I found out that adrenaline is brown.

 

I hear the Vatican's IT department has a lot of pdf files.

 

I might be a bit on edge today.

The next person to ask me for some orange juice, some pineapple juice, some cranberry juice, a slice of orange and a slice of lemon all in the same glass is going to get a punch.

 

Paddy and Mick are talking at the Bar when Paddy says " Oi can't remember the name of that historical Greek movie Brad Pitt was in"

"Troy" says Mick?

" I feckin am, but I still can't remember" Paddy replies

 

"Dear George.
I really should send you the Email I just got from Matthias in Germany.
But you don't know any German swear-words, so it would be pointless. And I cannot risk being hit by all the broken shisha pipes and busted chairs I see being hurled out of the smashed window of your motorhome.
Eleventh, George? Seriously? Eleventh? It wasn't raining.
I know you said it was.
Franco and Loris even drove out and looked in case it was actually raining on the corners where you said it was, but they couldn't see any rain.
And no, I do not think finishing in 11th after starting in 12th is a "great improvement" and that you need a trophy for "Bravest, Best and Fairest".
And no, we're not making up a sash for you to wear that says "Here is the Butter, putas!" Jonas Fucking Folger beat you. Alex Rins beat you.
Sure, it was their first ever race on a MotoGP bike, so it's maybe like you say "Beginner's Luck".
But Scott Redding and Jack Miller also beat you. And you don't even know who they are, even though you've been racing them for a while.
Jesus fucken Christ, George.
Even Asparagus A managed to haul his shitty Aprilia into sixth, which you would not have seen because you were in 11th. I'm thinking you'll be racing with those boys a lot this year.
Which is why Matthias is so upset.
He could have bought all of them, and Zarco, and given them all Ducatis and harems full of prostitutes for what he's paying you to come 11th.
Now keep the noise down. We have to go and have a few wines with Dovi. He came second.
He is so happy and really quite pretty in his bridesmaid's dress. He even led the race for a while.
But that "Spanish traitor-puta" as you call him, won.
No, you don't want to know who came third.
Trust me.
We're going to Argentina next, George.
Yes, it does suck to be you at the moment.
Always hopeful,
Gigi".

http://www.bikeme.tv/

 

"Dear Gigi,
Look how I have attained peak sexy. Yes, it is true. It is not fair, but because it is the last race after which I will be the world champion again, I do not care about fair.
Ola, chicas! Please put your underneath-pants over there in a neat pile and do not push.
There is more than enough Mamba Foritificado y Magnífico y Spartano Poderoso to go around!
I think I will even have some left over for you, Gigi! But not in that anti-Catholic homosexual way. I am not like that.
So you like the sexy hair, si?
It is Ducati red, and it is also like the sangre of the Spanish people, and the sangre of the racing bikes, which pumps in my veins when I climb the mountain of sacrifice with determined determination.
Because I am a river to my people.
Gigi, please have this inspirational thing I have written sewn inside the racing leathers of the stupid sad-eyed puta team-mate of mine.
He can read it through his tears after he does not win the race on Sunday.
You will have to cut a drain in the floor of his motorhome or the fool will drown in his own girl-water.
But my hair is very sexy.
It is almost too sexy. But that is not possible I think because I am very humble.
I did this hair myself last night after I first checked on the movements of the Yellow Puta, which I do before, during, and after every race, to make sure the many-legged bastardo with no madre is not cheating or sabotaging me.
And he always is, Gigi! Always!
He grows too many legs, he waves too many wavings, and he smiles too much smiling for someone who has not won a championship in 37 years!
It is disgusting how people fawn over him.
His heart is made of piss-flavoured mermelada and his ears have always stuck out too far.
I am also thinking of forgiving the English Puta with the wild eyes of the lunatic for killing Ucciccio.
It is wrong to hold a grudge against people who have potatoes growing in their brains and are not responsible for what they do.
I forgive you, English Puta! I think maybe your helmet is too tight and it makes your eyes bulge and your nerves angry, and I will no longer write Zarco’s name in fresh mierda on the door of your motorhome.
I am far too sexy for all that now.
I think maybe there should be dancing in the garage after my win on Sunday, Gigi. We will need a band.

Very sexy and excited,

George."


http://www.bikeme.tv/

 

At the regular Sunday morning service, Rev Robert announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular. Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims, "If Rev Robert stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Daniel, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If Rev Robert will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children."

More sighs and loud applause.

Mary age 68, stands and announces with a sweet smile, *"If Rev Robert stays, I will provide free sex!"

There is total silence.

Rev Robert blushing asks her - "Mary, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mary's 70-year old husband Eric, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help"

and he said - "Fuck him"

 

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The IRB Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1.. The England team will chat about the ...weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.
2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
3.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
4.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.
5.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
6.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.
7.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
8.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
9.. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.
10.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
11.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials.
12.. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush."
13.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.

 

Sad... very,very sad