Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns? Stirling Moss. Lewis Hamilton. Eddie Irvine. Ayr Town centre.
Saw a billboard today, advertising the life goal of my mate who moved to Vancouver: 'Drink Canada Dry'.
Can I just ask everyone a huge favour? Those of you who are planning to put Christmas lights outside your property's, please can you avoid anything blue and flashing? Every time I drive past, I think it's the police and have a mild panic attack. I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on the brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, hide my bottle of wine, swallow my joint, and shove the gun under the seat. It's a major drama. I really appreciate your cooperation and understanding........x
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed then to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was most generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Well, did you see?" "Yes," he said, "...but why the hell did you have to show her yours?" "Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough." "I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't."
In the gym last night I noticed a hole in my trainer that I could push my finger through. But she’s lodged a formal complaint and I’ve been banned for life.
Went into the library and asked the new blonde librarian if they had any books on The Titanic. She replied, "I'm sure they did, but they will be ruined by now."
Sad news today - They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' this Christmas in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
Went to the barber's today & asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. So he gave me a cushion to sit on.
Christmas reminder! A warning to all of you to be careful about drink driving as we get nearer to Christmas as the police are already out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many - not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and not even sure where I got it from!
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth-control pills.” Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old.... What possible use could you have for birth control pills?” The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.” The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep better?” The woman said, “Simple, I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.
Just bought a new satellite navigation system with a Wild West theme: Tried it out for the first time today in South London. It gave me a route in Tooting in good time.
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking starving"
My mum used to tell me that having one bollock does not make someone a freak. I still say it's creepy, and she should have it removed.
Two dyslexics went skiing. One said to the other "Do we zig zag, or zag zig down this slope?". His mate said "I don’t - know ask the bloke over there." So he went up to the chap and said ."Me and my mate are dyslexic, do we zig zag or zag zig down here?" The bloke said "I don’t know I don’t ski - I’m a tobogganist." "Oh great - can I have twenty Benson and Hedges then?"
Scientists in a laboratory have created new vocal chords from stem cells. The results speak for themselves.
