The Proclaimers' lawn is getting out of control and they are blaming B&Q. They've been to Bathgate, no mower. Linwood, no mower. Irvine, no mower.
The lads down the pub all call my mate 'Sage'. Not because he's old & wise. He just likes stuffing birds.
A Vicar gets on a train. In his carriage is a group of five fine looking young ladies. To break the ice, the vicar offers round his bag of "Werther's Originals" and then asks, "So, what do all you young ladies do"? "We do Christmas Panto. We're currently starring in "Dick Whittington" reply the girls. "That's fabulous. Which parts do you take"? says the Vicar. The first lady says, "I take the part of the Cat." The second lady continues, "I take the part of Buttons." "Really?" asks the vicar. "Who takes Dick ?" "Well, I do " says the third girl, "but it'll cost you a lot more than a fuckin' "Werther's Original"
Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever living man. He was 193 and his name was "Miles from Dublin."
A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really like to see your handsome face ." She said James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!" "Oh please? The girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Really, I can't", He replies. "my wife loves this beard!" The girlfriend asks once more time and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into to bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and says, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon.".....
Ever since I was a child, I had a fear of someone being under the bed at night, so I arranged to see a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "£150 per visit", replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it,” I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked. "Well, £150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is £23400. A bartender cured me for £5. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought me a new BMW." "Is that so?", and, with a bit of an attitude, he said, "and just how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."
Q. Why does Mrs Claus keep trying to find Santa's mobile phone? A. He seems to know where all the naughty girls live.
I hate the way women bang on about how men can't find a girl's clitoris. I mean, a clitoris is quite tiny. Compared to that, my cock is 7" long. But my wife only seems to be able to find it, when she wants something for Christmas.
What a morning…… 8:00 I made a snowman. 8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t made a snow woman. 8:15 I made a snow woman. 8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the voluptuous chest on the snow woman. 8:20 The gay couple living across the street complained that it could have been two snowmen instead. 8:25 The neighbours on the left, who are vegans, complained that the orange nose, a carrot, this needs to be something else because food is for eating and not to decorate a snowman and woman with. 8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 The husband of Fatima wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf. 8:40 The Police arrives to see what’s going on. 8.42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because this could be being used as a striking weapon. 8:50 The Salafi jihadist militant group Islamic State made itself known as the snowman. 8:52 My phone is being seized and thoroughly checked while I being blindfolded and flown to the Police station in a helicopter. 9:00 I am asked if I have any accomplices. Done with this!! I will never make a snowman, snow woman or snow whatever again. It’s too dangerous!! I wish everybody a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
The funniest thing I heard recently was Graeme Garden on I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue coming up with a form of words that would help the others guess the title of the film Blade Runner. “Sorry to interrupt you in the bathroom, but I couldn’t help notice you’re trying to shave with a type of bean.”
Q. What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a middle aged man? A. A Christmas tree will stay up for 12 nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on.
Ah, memories of festive fun. Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day. I really loved working at the Royal Mail sorting office
During a lull at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State Tillerson . "I bought Donald a lovely Parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words"... “Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words". He doesn't really understand what they all mean"..?? "Oh, I know that", replied Melania, “But neither does the parrot"
A recent survey found that the first car you drive is as memorable as your first kiss. It's true. I still remember mine; a rusty old banger that stank of cat piss. No idea what the car was though!
