I bought a deodorant stick today, I'd never used one before so I carefully read the instructions. They said "remove top and slowly push up bottom" I'm in A&E at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!
My mate said his wife gets annoyed when he uses the word 'cunt'. I told him his wife has a point, and he really should try to learn her mother's real name.
I came in from work the other day to find the wife standing completely naked in the kitchen. She looked at me full of lust and said "I want to be humiliated" So I took her to a public weighbridge.
A man's life is like a lush, green meadow: It's a beautiful thing until some cow comes along and shits all over it.
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering. The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you." "Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour." "Show me," said the interviewer. So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking. The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country." "Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!" "Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer. The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"
My work colleagues are like next door’s Christmas lights: Half of them don’t work, and the rest of them are not very bright.
My grandad recently moved into a care home, so I phoned my granmother to ask how he was settling in. "He's like a fish out of water" she said. "Is he finding it hard to settle in" I asked. "No" she said. "He's dead"
Hamish was heading out to his local pub, so he turned to his wee wife before leaving and said - "Maggie, put your hat and coat on lassie" She replied, "Aw Hamish, that's nice, are you taking me to the pub with you?" Hamish replied, "Nay lassie, I'm turning the central heating off while I'm oot"
The Premature Ejaculation Society Annual Dinner is being held next Tuesday evening. Dress code: Just come in your pants.
The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset. She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
One of my mates is a dyslexic Yorkshireman. In the recent cold weather he's been seen walking around with a cat flap on his head.
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting on a bench by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,' Hey, Mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.' Oh nO, not now, let's look at the moon".. said Rosita. Oh, c'mon Baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time,' Pedro begged. 'But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.' replied Rosita. Please, Corazoncita, just once, do Weeweechu with me. 'Rosita looked at Pedro and said, 'OK, Just one time, we'll do Weeweechu. So Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang ..... * * * * * 'Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Jear.'
A new local arthritis sufferers group convened for the first time recently. Apparently, when they met they just clicked.
A woman thinks that she will try to spice up her sex life with her partner and decides to wear some crotchless panties to attract his attention. She sits opposite him and crosses and then un-crosses her legs, looking him in the eye - soon her plan works as he asks her "honey, are you wearing crotchless panties?" she replies "yes I am" He says "thank christ for that - I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!"
I was on holiday in the Alps last winter when I saw a sign that read: 'Ski Hire'. So I climbed further up the mountain.
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food, it was incredible" she said. Being the nice guy I am, I thought "Fuck it, I'll treat her" So we walked past it again!
A chap from Barnsley with a sore backside goes to his local chemist - "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" The chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
The wife and I went to see a marriage councillor. She asked if I knew what my wife's favourite flower was. I held her hand and looked lovingly into her eyes and replied. "It's Homepride, isn't it?"
