Letter to Santa: Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box One with Call of Duty WWII and an iPhone 7 Plus for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones * Dear Timmy, Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.* Merry Christmas,* Santa Claus*** * Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones * Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days. Very Truly Yours, S Claus * Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN! T-Bone * Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mum's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. S Clizzy * Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything. Timmy * Timmy, That's what I thought you little bastard. Santa
I dreamt last night that I'd eaten all the decorations on the Christmas tree. This morning I woke up with a sore throat. I think I've got " Tinselitis"!
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make passionate love." The next night, the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" His wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2!" His wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3!" They began to make love. After two minutes, his wife yelled, "Bell 4!" "What's Bell 4?" The husband asked. "More hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!"
My new girlfriend asked "what's your pet hate?" I said "he's not too keen on having things poked up his arse!"
A man went into a pub & ordered a pint of anything except Stella. The landlord asked, “What’s wrong with Stella?” The man said, “I had 12 pints of Stella last night & next thing I remember, I was fucking skint.” The landlord replied, “12 pints of anything costs roughly the same.” The man then said, “Yeah I know, but Skint's my dog.”
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner. The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?" The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinnae know what to do. Every time ma auld man comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'." The Doctor says: "Aye, well.... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep." Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was a brilliant! Evrae time ma auld man came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc....wha's the secret?" How's the water do that?" The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does nothin’… it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
As we were putting out mince pies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one on the floor. "No problem." I said, picking it up & dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. "You can't do that!" Argued my youngest daughter. I replied, "Don't worry, Santa will never know." Quick as a flash she shot back, "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know the mince pie fell on the floor??"
We found it hard to believe that our Dad had been sacked from his job in the highways department for stealing. But when we looked in his garage, all the signs were there!
My Grandad shot down two German aircraft. Trouble was, it was in 1972. Still, you can't be too careful!
A man walked into a bar in Redneck country and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, surprised and the bartender looked around and said: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The man said, "I'm from England." The bartender asked, "What th' hell you do in England?" The man replied, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asked, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The man said, "I mount animals." The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
A bus full of Nuns crashes and falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Agustin. He says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single line.” And nuns do so. St. Agustin turns to the first woman in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” Sister Debora responds: “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta…touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Agustin says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” St. Agustin now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” Sister Barbara replies: “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” . Now at this, there is a noise, and jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Agustin sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susanne, why you in hurry? There is no rush!” Sister Susanne responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Jane sticks her ass in it!”
On his last tour of Ireland, The Pope was asked what he thought of County Down. He replied, "I liked it best when Carol Vorderman was on it."
Paddy and Mick are waiting at a bus stop when a lorry containing rolls of turf passes by. Mick says ''Thats what I'm going do when i win the lottery'' Paddy says ''Whats that Mick?'' Mick replies '' Have me lawn sent away to be cut......"
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My willy is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a willy?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
Our dog ran off last night. I walked around the park for hours calling him but no sign at all. When I got home my wife told me to look harder, so I shaved my head and got a big tattoo. Still can't find the bloody dog!
Police in Liverpool pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed M.O.T. tested and insured. It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found. The driver was sober AND He had a full licence and no points. A police spokesman said, "We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time."
A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?" The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?" The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?" "Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now"
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. "The evening was a disaster," he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."
