Joke Page

Apparently, today is "National Text Your Ex Day"

I doubt you can even get reception at the bottom of a lake.

 

Allegations of Freddie Starr eating a hamster may have been inaccurate.


Seems he preferred young beavers....

 

My girlfriend kicked me out last night, as I left I said:

"You don't know what you've got until..."

"Get lost, I know exactly what I've got" she interrupted.

"Fair enough" I said, "I didn't realise you'd already been to the clinic."

 

I was walking my dog home,when i suddenly thought... 'Home' is a stupid name for a dog.

 

The dog walked into the living room, then my wife took a sniff and said, "What's that smell?"

I replied, "Other dogs arses usually."

 

My mate was rushed to hospital after his Bob Marley collection fell off a shelf and onto his head.

When he got there, the doctors said he was fighting on arrival, fighting for survival.

 

Obvious when you think about it

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he really loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit-flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

 

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.