I have a Polish mate who is a sound engineer for live bands. I also have a Czech one too, Czech one too, Czech one too.
Michael Barrymore is reported to have turned down offers to appear in Panto this year. He is quoted as saying, "I did Aladdin a few years ago, and never again."
Paddy says to Murphy," I robbed a shop last night- I grabbed a load of pictures, and the cheapest one is worth £180.000..." Murphy says," Paddy you've robbed an estate agents ya fucking eejit."
A man walked into an Ann Summers shop & asked the assistant for a see through negligee sized to fit a 54-52-58 person. "Bloody hell." Said the assistant. "Why the feck would you want to see through that???"
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball." The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."
My mate enjoys masturbating whilst looking in the mirror. But it tends to upset the passengers on his bus.
"Gossip Mary", the town gossip and self-appointed "supervisor of the town's morals", publicly accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a minute, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
My mate went to Jessops to pick up some photos he'd taken of his naked wife. The assistant asked, "Would you like the negatives?" My mate replied, "Yes please." So the assistant said, "Your wife has saggy tits and a fat arse."
Mick says to his mate Paddy - "the wife has been on about getting a dog - oi tink I'll get one of them there labradors" Paddy replies - "O'id be worried about dat - haven't you noticed how many of their owners go blind"
My mate says his wife is a real good looker. No matter where he hides his porn mags, she always finds them.
A Guy is walking along the Strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the Hooker, ‘How much do you charge"..?? Hooker replies, ‘It starts at $500 for a Hand-Job.’ Guy says, ‘$500 dollars.. For a hand-job..! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money".. The Hooker says, ‘Do you see that Denny's on the corner?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Well,’ says the hooker, smiling invitingly, ‘I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.’ Guy says, ‘What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.’ They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, ‘I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?’ The hooker replies, ‘$1,500.’ ‘I wouldn't pay that for a Blow-Job..!’ The hooker replies, ‘Step over here to the window, big boy.’ ‘Do you see that Casino just across the street?’ ‘I own that Casino outright.’ ‘And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.’ The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, ‘Sign me up.’ Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, ‘How much for some Pussy?’ The hooker says, ‘Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.’ Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?’ "DAMN...!" the guy says, in awe, "What.. You own the whole city of Vegas" ..??? "No," the Hooker replies, "But I would if I had a Pussy"..
Paddy's walking down the street struggling to carry a wardrobe by himself, Seamus sees him and says; "Bejeysus, - Paddy what are ya doing?" "Carrying this here wardrobe Seamus" he replies "Well feck me, why isn't your brother Mick helping ye?" "He is Seamus... he's inside holding up the coat hangers"
The fellas at work reckon our boss must be a transgender: He used to be a dick, now he's a complete c*nt.
My mate told me his wife wanted them to have sex on the bonnet of her Honda Jazz, but he refused. He said if he was going to have sex, it would be on his own Accord.
