Last night I accidentally saw the young woman next-door masturbating naked on her bed. I was so shocked I fell out of the tree!
My mate's wife just cannot take a compliment....... Maybe she shouldn't keep such a well groomed moustache!
I phoned the spiritual leader of Tibet and he sent me a large goat with a long neck - turns out I phoned dial-a-lama!
I was sitting on the sofa watching TV last night when I heard my wife in the kitchen - "what would you like for dinner my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?" I said "thank you - I'll have chicken, please" She replied "not you, you fat bastard - I was talking to the cat!"
A woman brings eight year old Timmy home and tells his mother he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight year old daughter. Timmy's mother says "Let's not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious about sex at their age" "Curious about sex?" - replies Mary's mother - "He's taken her bloody appendix out!"
When I was in school, the teacher said anyone who could name 10 animals from Africa could have a day off school. Quick as a flash I piped up, "Six zebras and four lions!"
On our honeymoon my wife said "I have to tell you something - before I met you I was a hooker" I said "That's OK - I find that quite arousing!" She replied "You don't understand - I was called Rick and played for the Springboks"
I was in the pub with my mates and I told them a new joke I'd heard at work that day: "What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? - throw your washing in with them!" A chap tapped me on the shoulder and said "My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath" I said "Sorry mate - did he drown?" He replied "No - he choked on a sock!"
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
I had a visit from the grim reaper last night, it was scary but I managed to fight him off with the vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!
A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driving license, but first he had to have his eyes examined. The optician showed him a card with the letters - CZWIXNOSTACZ - "Can you read this" the optician asked? "Read it? he replied - I went to school with him!"
Maud and Walter were residents of an old peoples home and had fancied each other for ages. Eventually Maud plucked up courage and said, “My room, tonight, 9.30” Walter let himself in and found Maud lying on top of the bed naked from the waist up. "Treat me gently” she said “I’ve got acute angina” “Thank goodness ‘cos your tits aren’t up to much” Walter replied.
An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss programme. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him an athletic, young hottie dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted with the results. He calls the company and orders stage two. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me.' Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next few days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight when he weighs himself, he discovers that he's lost a good chunk of weight. He decides to go for the final stage. The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you are mine!!!'
My mate asked me if I thought marriage was a lottery. I replied, "Nah! With a lottery you do have a slight chance."
Andy Murray has just been knocked out of the US Open - apparently he is absolutely distraught. Good to see he's cheered up a bit then!
My mate said he was thrown out of a strip club last night for using Monopoly money. He said he didn't see why he should pay real money to see fake boobs.
