Failed the oral question section of my biology exam today when I was asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently 'pikeys' was not the correct answer..
I've been getting lots of nuisance calls from this bloke who keeps singing to me ..............."Stand and Deliver" - "Prince Charming". I keep telling him to f*ck off, but he's adamant!
Young Timmy has lost his Mum at Asda's and is bawling his eyes out - the security guard tries to comfort him. "What's your Mum like?" he asks. "Big pricks and Bacardi" replies Timmy.
A couple sat down to breakfast and the husband noticed that his wife was in a foul mood, so he asked her what was wrong. She replied "You were talking in your sleep, what I want to know is who is Jane?" Quick as a flash the husband replies "Oh Jane - that's a horse I won £500 on last week. A really good horse!" Later he comes home from work, and his wife is in a foul mood again - she turned to him and said "Your horse phoned today"
A man went fishing and hadn't caught a thing in four hours, when all of a sudden the local vicar turned up and cast his rod into the stream and within half an hour his keep net was full! The man was getting quite pissed off at this so decided to ask the vicar how he did it. The vicar kindly told him, "Well my son, go home tonight and rub your hand between your wife's legs, and then rub it in with all your worms and the smell will attract the fish!" The man thought this was a good idea so he went home and saw his wife standing by the stove cooking dinner. He went up to her, stuck his hand up her skirt and started rubbing away. The wife giggled and said, "Oh hello vicar, off fishing again?"
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a B*tch! “Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!” “No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a B*tch fish!” “Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a B*tch! ” Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster. “Father, that’s the biggest Son of a B*tch I’ve ever seen” “Yes, it is a big Son of a B*tch.. What should I do with it?” “Why, eat it! Of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a B*tch!” Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. “Take a look at this big Son of a B*tch I caught!” Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, “Father!” “It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a B*tch fish!” “Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a B*tch?” Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a B*tch for his dinner. “I’ll even clean the Son of a B*tch,” she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. “What are you doing Sister?” “Father wants me to clean this big Son of a B*tch for the new Bishop’s Dinner” “Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!” “No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a B*tch Fish.” “Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a B*tch. ” On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?” “I caught that Son of a B*tch!” proclaimed the proud priest. “And I cleaned the Son of a B*tch!” exclaimed the Sister. The Friar added,” And I prepared the Son of a B*tch, using a special recipe! The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You f***ers are my kind of people."
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19.95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Ballerina Barbie for £19.95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95". The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?" The salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls."
I was on the bus when the attractive young woman next to me began to breast feed her baby, without much success. She said "Come on now and drink your milk - otherwise I'll give it to that nice young man sat next to me" After two more attempts with the same unsuccessful result I looked at her and said "Come on love, make your mind up - I should have got off six stops ago!"
Man: "Doctor, I can't stop stealing things." Doctor: "Take these tablets for two weeks." Man: "What if they don't work?" Doctor: "Then get me a 70inch HDTV."
A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" He asks the dog. "Yes!" The Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!" The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!" The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid!" The owner says. "£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying b@stard. He's never been out of the garden!"
A horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter. Donkey asks, "What did you do for a living?" Horse says ," I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter." Donkey says, "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach." Then he asks, "Did you win anything?" Horse says, "Yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.” They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later & Donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything." So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. The horse arrives and says, "Lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall?" Donkey replies, " That's me when I played for Newcastle United."
President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a would-be assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald.... duck!”
My mate's wife asked him for £10,000 so she could have a gastric band fitted. He gave her a fiver and told her to buy a padlock for the fridge.
Paddy's driving down the Motorway towing a trailer , and he gets stopped by the Garda Police . The cop asks Paddy, "What's in the trailer Paddy"..??? He replies, "Race Horses, we are going to the Leopardstown races".. "But the trailer's totally empty", says the Cop. "I Know" replies Paddy, "I'm taking all the Non-Runners first"...
Two old Ladies were sitting on a park bench outside their local London Town Hall where the Chelsea Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "God Ethel, Life is so darn boring at our Age". We never have any fun anymore. For £5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show over there".. "You're On"...! said the other old lady, holding up a £5.00 note. The first Lady fumbled her way out of her Clothes and, completely Stark, Bollock Naked, streaked through the front door of the Chelsea Flower Show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the Main Hall, followed by loud applause. The naked Lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What Happened"..?? asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Bush Arrangement."..
Booked a table for me & the wife on Valentine's Day. Backfired on me though: She didn't know how to play snooker.
Woman: Does Viagra work? Pharmacist: Yes Woman: Can you get it over the counter? Pharmacist: Yes if I take two
My mate works for the Samaritans. He has the flu & tried to phone in sick this morning. They talked him out of it.
