Paddy's in the bath and he shouts to Murphy, "Have you any shampoo?" Murphy shouts back, "It's by the sink." Paddy says, "I can't use that, it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
My mate went to see his doctor because he heard strange voices coming from inside his underpants. The doctor said, "Ignore them, they're just talking bollocks."
Paddy and Mick land themselves jobs at the local sawmill. Just before the morning break, Paddy yelled “Bejessus Mick, I’ve lost me finger".. "Have ye now,” said Mick. “And how did ye do dat”..?? Paddy replied, “Dunno really, I just touched this big shiny spinning thingy here, like this"… "Feckin hell, there goes another one"..
As I lay back on the couch, Dave sat down in a chair next to me and said, "So,... what are your thoughts"..??? I said, "Well... I've had gay feelings ever since I started at school. I fancied the other boys, but didn't want to be an outcast, so I had girlfriends to hide my sexuality. I found it hard to suppress my true feelings however, and this led to me becoming distant from everyone else, becoming a loner. This has continued into my adult life, and leaves me very, very depressed. Do you think this stems from the close relationship I had with my Father"..??? "Look, mate", said Dave - "I'm just a Salesman for DFS. Do you want to buy this fucking Sofa or not?"
The vagina is the best engine in the world: It can be started with one finger. It's self-lubricating. It accepts any size of piston. It even changes its own oil every 4 weeks (lower mileage models only!). It's a shame the management system is so fecking temperamental.
Snow White claims life has become very hard for the seven Dwarves. They are struggling to put food on the table.
I was at Church last Sunday for a christening, when the collection plate came around. So I put some 'Monopoly' money in the plate. The Priest said to me, "What are you doing..??? That's not real money, it's phoney".. I replied, "Well, let's talk about this God of yours..."
A Russian Spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar. The barman says, "What can I get you, Mr. President"..???
Our neighbour banged on the door & shouted, "Can I use your phone? There's been an accident down the road & the local MP has been run over." I asked him, "What's wrong with your own phone?" He replied, "The camera is rubbish on mine."
Rugby tickets.... England v Ireland March 17 St Patrick’s Day Twickenham. This may be of interest to one of you. A friend of mine has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the match. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them 6 months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at Marylebone Registry Office, at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
Politicians are like Burton Albion: They rarely have a point, and when they do it's more through luck than judgement.
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it. The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch". The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch. "So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?". "I have " says the fellow. "And has she helped you in making the decision?". "She has" says the bloke. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. The bloke looks up and says "We're having a new kitchen"
Paddy was driving his girlfriend home one night when she asked him to kiss her 'somewhere warm and wet'. "Feck that." Said Paddy. "It's too late to go to Bognor Regis."
Mick goes to visit Paddy and finds him building a brick wall in his living room. “Bejesus Paddy” says Mick. “What the feck is going on”..??? “It’s because of all this snow,” replies Paddy. “But what’s snow got to do with you building a brick wall in your living room”..??? asks Mick. “Cos today, I’m working from home,” said Paddy.
A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!" " What's that mean?" asks the girl. "That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast." "Oh, Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon." What's that?" asked the guy. The girl says, "That's French toast."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were each allowed to ask God one question. 'When will England win the World Cup again? asked the Englishman. 'Not for a hundred years,' said God, and the Englishman went away crying. 'When will Scotland gain independence? asked the Scotsman. 'Not for two hundred years,' answered God, so the Scotsman went away crying. 'When will I get a bit of sense?' asked the Irishman, and God went away crying.
My mate has a big, heavy Gold Wing & he always asks his wife to stand next to the bike if he has to push it around his garage or on the drive. He says if it starts to topple, he can push her under it to lessen the impact & reduce potential damage.
In our local pub quiz, Paddy was asked to name the worst 2 winters since 1945. He answered, "Mike and Bernie."
