My mate rang me & said his wife had asked him to contact the emergency services as her mother's house was on fire. "Why are you calling me?" I asked. He replied, "Because I can't find any second class stamps, do you have any?"
A couple were out walking their pet skunk and came accross a nice pub. The door had a 'No pets allowed' sign, so the husband said "Just stick it down your pants, no one will know". The wife asked "What about the smell?".. "If it dies, it fuckin' dies"
While riding my Motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a sheep lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a new car pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now" "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my Motorbike, I guess."
When a woman says: "Ready in 5 minutes." and a man says: "Home in 5 minutes." - they both mean exactly the same thing.
Gave the kids a 'Harry Potter Experience' this weekend: Made them sleep in a cupboard under the stairs.
Treat life's problems like a dog would: If you can't eat it or shag it, just piss on it and walk away.
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says to him. "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!" "What do you mean?" Replied the pirate. "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well." Said the pirate. "We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied. "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained. "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate. "One day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. l looked up and one of them shit in me eye." "You're kidding!" Exclaimed the bartender. "You can lose an eye just from bird shit?" "It was my first day with my hook."
A young ginger bird goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." She took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
My mate phoned to say he visited a brothel today: Blow jobs £20. Anyway, we're meeting in the pub later to spend his £80...
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I fucked her up the arse, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair..... I guess we don't watch the same movies !!!
My mate took his pet chameleon to the vet because he couldn't mate or change colour. The vet said he had a reptile dysfunction.
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting Over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her Handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now." "Yes, I remember him as a baby." Says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear..." says the other. "And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He's a martyr too..." says the mother quietly. "Oh, gracious me..." says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18", She whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school..." "He's a martyr also," says the mother, With tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, The second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Just discovered I have to build a coffin, then embalm & bury an extinct pachyderm. It's a mammoth undertaking.
