Paddy asks Murphy if he wants any fags when he goes on holiday. "Aye, I'll have 200 lambert & butler please". Two weeks pass, Paddy brings Murphy his 200 fags to the local pub. "How much do I owe you" asks Murphy. "Just call it £125" says Paddy. "Be'Jesus Paddy, where the feck did you go on your holiday?" "Blackpool" said Paddy.
My wife spent an hour and a half getting ready to go out last night. Finally the bathroom door opened and she said.. "Do l look fat in this?" I replied, "Yes, but to be fair it's a small bathroom."
I just tried to make a square, but ended up with an octagon. That's what happens when you cut corners.
My Chinese neighbour told me this morning, she was desperate for a roger. Only after I dropped my trousers, did I realise that she wanted to rent out her spare room.
Liverpool FC have just announced the signing of 2 new players for next season: Japanese midfielder Nikamota, and the Italian striker Robatelli.
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. Eventually they are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"...
A guy was taking a leak in the gents & standing next to an Eskimo. He just had to ask the Eskimo, "What are those marks all down your knob?" He replied, "They're from my wife's teeth chattering."
A married businessman noticed a beautiful 19 year old girl in the bar after work. The man didn’t think twice; he took off his wedding ring and put it in his pocket. He then walked up to her and turned on his charm. After a few drinks together, he decided that it was time. He said, “I just love talking to you. What do you say we continue this at your place?” The woman replied, “Honey, I just so happen to be a call girl. I’d be happy to have fun with you tonight, but it will cost you $500.” The married man thought that sounded terrific, so off they went. They rolled in the hay, and he had a great time. But before he left her place, he told her, “Damn, looks like I forgot to bring cash with me. No worries, I’ll have my secretary write you a check and mail it to you. She will mark the payment ‘RENT FOR APARTMENT’.” On the way to the office the next day, he regrets what he has done. Being a bit of a cheapskate and feeling a little bad for cheating on his wife, he has his secretary send a check for only $250 and encloses the following written note: “Dear Madam, Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. Note that I am not sending the amount that we agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that; 1) it had never been occupied; 2) there was plenty of heat; and 3) it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.” The girl’s eyebrows shot up as she was reading the note, and she returned the check for $250 with the following note: “Dear Sir, You’ve got some nerve! First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment like this to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.”
Took the family to the zoo & one of the kids pointed to the massive willy on an elephant & asked, “What’s that?” The wife replied, “It’s nothing.” Undeterred, our daughter then asked me what it was. I calmly said, “It’s a penis.” Our daughter then said, “But Mum said it was nothing.” I replied, “Your mother’s spoilt.”
An older couple , urged on by their friends, decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, cookng and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently," she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered “is that one word or two?"
Written on a post-it note for the wife: If at first you don't succeed. Try doing it the way your husband told you.
The money is a nice bonus But the real joy in robbing the post office was watching the staff bloody move quickly for once
The boss announced: “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 quid in it, if you find it I’m offering a 100 pound finder’s fee!” A voice in the background shouted: “I’m offering 200!”
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman, an ex wren, was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the police. “Madam, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said. The ex wren, hard of hearing, turned to her husband an old marine and asked, “What did he say?” “He said you were speeding!” the old marine yelled. The policeman then asked, “May I see your license?” The ex wren turned to her husband again, “What did he say?” The old marine yelled back, “He wants to see your license!” The ex wren then gave the officer her license. “I see you are from Portsmouth,” the policeman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The ex wren turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?” The old marine replied, “He thinks he knows you!
Went into the local supermarket earlier & saw a man and a woman wrapped together in a barcode label. I asked them, "Are you two an item?"
Anyone know if the doctors is still open? I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes now I’m parsley sighted .......
A French colleague doesn't believe that eggs can be round or oval. He's a member of the flat oeuf society..
A guy called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Manchester." "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Manchester," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?" The bloke hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Weed Man."
