A male egg and a female egg were in a pan of boiling water. The female egg said, "Hey, I have a crack!" The male egg replied, "That's feck all use to me, I'm not hard yet."
I was talking with my friend Dave in the pub last week, and said: "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." Dave said: "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. I’m sure she'll be thrilled." So I took Dave’s advice and made up a certificate. I saw Dave yesterday in the pub and he said "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," I replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, shouting: "I'll be back in an hour!!"
My mate told me he likes to masturbate and watch himself in the mirror. The passengers on his bus aren't too happy about it!
Janet Street Porter goes into a bar and says to the barman "Can I get a large aperitif?" Barman says "I doubt it"
Apparently Australian men have sex on average 3 or 4 times per week. British men have sex on average 3 or 4 times per month. Japanese man have sex on average once a year. I had no idea I am Japanese.....
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he handed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine” I said “are you a vet?” He replied “vet?.. I’m fucking soaking”
Three men went to sign on the dole, and were asked, “Reason for leaving last job?” The first man said, “My boss caught me facing a woman, she accused me of ogling her, and I was sacked for sexual harassment.” The second man said, “My boss caught me with my back turned to a woman, I was sacked because she complained I disrespected her.” The third man said, “My boss caught me standing half turned towards a woman, I was sacked for giving her sideways looks.”
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter, I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me, I thought to my self........... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ....... " I really need a new boat!"
Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is football in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is football in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're playing on Tuesday."
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?" After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. "Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked. The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, "You promised me you wouldn't cheat on me again!" The husband replies, "Darling, can't you see I'm trying? I've cut down."
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive "It's sixty miles an hour.” It says, "You're doing sixty five" It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake And tells me that it's never, ever, safe to overtake It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear And taking this into account, it specifies my gear I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort? Ah well you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff I only wish that now and then, I could turn the fecker off.
I went to the doctors early today for my "Well Man" check up. As part of the check up he asked me “Do you do sports?” I answered “Does sex count?” The Doctor said “Yes it does.” “Then no.” I replied
