Gentlemen. As the World Cup approaches, please think of your wives: Make sure the telly in the kitchen is working.
My mate Dave went to his doctors this morning for his “Well Man” check-up. The doctor said to him "I'm sorry Dave but you are suffering from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Dave said "What do you mean 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" His doctor replied "Nine. Eight….."
My mate has really bad sunburn after the weekend & went to see his doctor. The GP prescribed Viagra. Apparently it won't cure the sunburn, but it will keep the sheets off his legs..
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!"
The office blonde just came back from the pet shop with some bird seed. She now wants to know how long they take to grow..
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on ebay) and ran it up the flag pole Now, the local police, DMSU'S, SAS, MI6 and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving £69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me. Plus, I bought burkas for my family when we shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat us down. (Isn't Norhern Ireland just great to live in)
My mate's wife went to B&Q for a wall mirror. The guy in the mirror aisle asked, "Would you like a screw for that?" My mate's wife replied, "No, but I'll suck your cock for a new lawnmower."
A man and a woman are getting ready for a party... She: "Does this dress make me look fat?" Him: "Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?" "Yes, I promise." "I fucked your sister . . .
The wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was really pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part..
Terrible news coming from Merseyside this morning The Birkenhead Tunnel has been closed and the speed limit will be reduced for the foreseeable future to 25mph The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, has confirmed in their report the problem was NOT Avian Flu but rather the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
There's a mime artist in our local town centre. I always make sure to throw some invisible money into his bucket.
A nun asks the Mother Superior to hear her confession: ”Last night I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Conner came to me and told me that I had the Gates of Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the Gates.” " Bastard!” cries the Mother Superior, “Ten years ago, he told me it was Angel Gabriel’s Trumpet and I’ve been blowing it ever since”
I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said to me earlier. I replied, "And I love you tons." "What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear she's going deaf.
Two dinosaurs holding hands on a beach, watching a ship sail away into the sunset. One dinosaur turns to the other and says, "That Noah's a real bastard!"
My wife was getting ready to go out last night when I said, "You can't wear that, I can see your boobs under it." "So you can," she said. "Do I need to wear a bra?" I said, "Yeah, either that or a longer dress."
My mate says he married a real trophy wife: All the names of the previous winners are tattooed on her arse.
Two dyslexics are on a car, one says to the other can you smell petrol, the other one says, dont be silly I cant even spell my own name
My mate went to see his GP because he can't stop shagging ugly old women. The doctor said it was the worst case of crone's disease he's ever seen.
