Joke Page

First elevator

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?".

The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don`t know what it is!".

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

 

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:

"How much for the Engineer brain?"
"£5 an ounce."

"How much for the doctor brain?"
"£7 an ounce."

"How much for the cabinet minister brain?"
"£100 an ounce."

"WOW! why is the cabinet minister brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many cabinet ministers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

 

Wisdom & wit

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Hard work has a future payoff. - Laziness pays off now.

What is a 'free' gift? - Aren't all gifts free?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Old soldiers never die; young ones do.

If you're right 98% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Avoid cliches like the plague.

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?

All's well that ends…..

 

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this?”

 

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this?”

 

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny says, "never mind the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"