Germany's performance in the World Cup has been their worst since the 1938 World Cup. We know how well they took that.....
The wife disturbed a couple of burglars during the night. She waddled downstairs with no clothes on....
A lorry full of onions has shed its load on the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.
In a drive to improve standards in service and hygiene, a West End hotel today dismissed a waiter for having his thumb in the soup. They also dismissed a topless waitress for two similar offences
A well-known manufacturer of household cleaners has joined forces with a well-known Scottish distillery. They have produced a cleaner that kills 99 per cent of household germs, and makes the other one too drunk to bother.
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. ‘How ’bout that!’ he exclaims, ‘Here’s a picture of me Fadder.’ He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin’, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, ‘So that’s the ugly fookin’ bitch he’s been runnin’ around with.’
Met an old school friend today. He's currently an out of work contortionist who's struggling to make ends meet.
Claims have emerged that footballer Danny Welbeck has a relative who was in the Bomb Disposal Squad. Apparently his name was Stan.
My mate in Dublin says they now have a water shortage over there. As a result his local swimming baths have closed lanes 6 and 7.
My mate said his granddad lived to the age of 101. He actually died on the day of his 101st birthday. My mate said it was such a shame, as they were only half way through his birthday bumps at the time...
