I went into the chemist's to buy some lube. The man behind the counter said, "I'm out of stock, have you tried Boots?" I replied, "I want to glide in, not fecking march in."
A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. On seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?" God said: "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, Liposuction, Breast Implants and a Tummy Tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her Teeth. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an Ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded: "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?" God replied: "Girl, I didn't recognize you"
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks above him. He asked, "What are those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?" St. Peter answered, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie." “Incredible”, said the man. St. Peter then said, “This clock is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, meaning Abe told only two lies in his entire life." Then the man asked, "Where is Trump's clock?" St. Peter said, "His clock is in Jesus' office ... he's using it as a ceiling fan.”
The body of a woman thought to be a hooker has been found in a Soho alley. The body had no marks on it and no indications of assault, although it was covered from head to toe in salt & pepper. Police think she was a well-seasoned pro.
Theresa May is stumped over this deal or no deal thing: Her only remaining hope is to call Noel Edmonds.
One day a gardener went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The gardener was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a bartender comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The bartender was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen bottles of beer waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MP's lined up waiting for a free haircut.
My mate said he once had a girlfriend who used her vibrator whilst travelling on the London Underground. Apparently she got off at every station.
Whilst Fred Astaire danced down the stairs.... His brother Stan carried an old woman slowly up them..
The new guy at work said his name is Peter Bloody Bastard Arse Benson. Apparently he doesn’t have Tourette’s, but the vicar who christened him did..
Breaking news: Due to a clerical error it turns out that Mike Ashley has spent £90 million on an apartment in Seattle. He's bought the house of Frasier
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for "cherrypickers" and "cheesemongers" ? Contestant: "Homosexuals?" Paxman: " No - they're Regiments in the British Army, who will be very upset with you".
"back in the day" I would have said that was a rather cynical overview, today I sadly recognise the truth.
My mate’s wife asked me if I liked the new dildo rail in their lounge. I replied, “You mean dado rail don’t you?” She said, “No, I put it up myself.”
Q. How do you know when your blood sugar levels are dangerously high? A. Every time you fart you get candy floss in your underpants.
