A man has been arrested after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it. A police spokesman said he has been bailed.
A Prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp “No sex for the first 7 days..just wanks!” She asked.. “Why only wanks?”.. her pimp said.. “Union rules!..you gotta work a week in hand!”
My mate found working at the job centre to be too stressful. He couldn’t accept that if they fired him, he’d have to turn up again the next day.
My mate took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. He’s worried that if he defaults on the loan he could be repossessed.
Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out,'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!' The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess that, you old slappers.' One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and underpants & we can tell your exact age.' Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & then jump up & down several times. Determined to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all piped up & said,'You're 87 years old!' Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?' Slapping their knees & pissing themselves , the three old ladies yelled in unison ... 'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'
I was always in trouble at school: I’m colourblind, and when the dinner ladies told me to eat my greens I didn’t know where to start.
My wife threatened to leave me if I pinch any more of her kitchen utensils, but I thought about it, and I've decided, I'll have to take the whisk.
On a Roman warship long ago, a galley boss stood at the helm one morning and shouted to the assembled rowers, “Today I have good news! All of you are getting extra food tonight!” The rowers erupted into cheers almost immediately. All except for one very old man seated in the back, who began moaning in horror. “Oh fuck, no, not again,” he said. Puzzled, a newer rower next to him asked, “What are you upset about? We’re going to be getting extra food” “Because,” the old man responds. “This only happens when the Captain’s nephew wants to water ski.”
I’ve got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends. It’s not easy though. They keep moving the goalposts.
The local radio news station was featuring an 'Elvis week' and was interviewing the oldest Elvis Presley fan an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married -- for the fourth time by an Elvis look alike in Las Vegas. The interviewer asked her questions about her life her obsession with Elvis, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a funeral director,' she answered. 'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
I've just got back from my best friends funeral, who drowned when he fell overboard. His family went mental with me, because I got him a floral tribute in the shape of a life jacket. "But" I told them, "it's what he would have wanted."
After a number of Kaleidoscopes have been stolen from local toy shops... Police believe a pattern is forming!!
Bloke with 3 hairs on his head goes to the barber's for a trim. He asks for a side parting on the left but the Barber accidentally pulls one hair out while doing it. 2 hairs left- the bloke asks for a centre parting. Same thing happens. Barber : " I'm terribly sorry sir I've accidentally pulled out another hair. You've only got one left" Bloke : " Don't worry- just leave it messy."
My mate told me his wife insists they have a kiss & a cuddle every night before they go to sleep. He also said that's how he became an insomniac.
Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ." The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property".. "Property?”, his wife replies. “The fucker had a window cleaning round."
My mate went over to Ireland to attend the Pope's visit in the hope that the Holy Father could help him with his hearing. The Pope placed his hands over my mate's ears and blessed him. My mate said it was all well & good, but his hearing's not until next Thursday..
It was all a mistake. Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders…… Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when,at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this wasthe best they could do on such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse. By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook". And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred...
The wife yelled at me to stop the dogs from barking in the front garden. So I put them in the back garden...
I once was sacked as a DJ for playing Middle of the Road’s “Chirp chirpy cheep cheep” at a works Christmas party. Who knew that orphans would be so sensitive.
