Hoping to post this before El Toro does. My friend told me I need to stop singing ‘I’m a believer’ because I was being annoying. I thought. She was kidding. But then I saw her face...
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the Liverpool docks once more, for old time’s sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing love?' The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.' 'Three knots?' he asks, 'What's that supposed to mean?' She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back."
My mate is a stand up comedian. He’s written a joke about a fat badger, but he can’t fit it into his set.
Two Jewish cobblers secured a contract with the Vatican to repair all the Popes shoes. They thought that by advertising the fact on their shop window they would attract more customers, so they put a sign above the entrance that read : "Isaac and Manny....cobblers to the Pope." The following morning somebody had written on it " - and bollocks to the Rabbi".
The Proclaimers lawn is getting a bit long, so they have been to a number of Homebase stores looking to buy something to cut it with. They've been to Bathgate, no mower, Linwood, no mower, Methill, no mower, Irvine, no mower.
Q. What’s the difference between an election and a police line up? A. With an election you pick the person before they rob and screw you.
Its been reported that a lion has escaped from the Yorkshire Wildlife Zoo, and the creature is reported to be heading for Bradford. A West Yorkshire Police spokesman said " It's sad but he'll just have to fend for himself"
My mate told me he has made a will. He plans to leave his body to his iPhone, his iPad and his laptop. He wants to be left to his own devices.
Two dyslexic brothers are sat in the kitchen. "Can you smell gas?" says Jim. "I can't even smell my own name.." says Bob
The boss asked me if I am a glass half full or a glass half empty person. I said, “Who cares? The glass contains the same amount either way.”
Apparently the clocks go back in October. Well I'm fucked then. I can't remember where I got mine from.
In a new series, Thomas The Tank Engine will travel abroad and meet foreign trains. Viewers in Britain are expected to appreciate the opportunity to see affordable trains that also run on time.
