Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defence attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair"
My mate started a micro-electronics manufacturing business recently. Things are going so well he's already looking for smaller premises.
I went to bed with a fit blonde haired girl last night I met in a club. She took her clothes off in the bedroom and I asked her "Her how come you have blonde hair and black pubic hair,?" She said to me "You know when a joiner hits his fingernail with a hammer his nail goes black?" "Yes" I said "Well, my fannys been well hammered"
After finding 5 Mars bars, 3 Snickers, a Flake and a packet of M&M's, I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a Bounty hunter....
My mate took a phone call informing him his mother in law had been admitted to intensive care after a bad fall. "Oh dear." He said, "Is she critical?" The nurse replied, "She hasn't stopped fecking complaining since she got here."
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. ... It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when... Stan the ASDA manager runs out to shut the horse off.
We realised my mate is definitely dyslexic. He turned up at a toga party this evening dressed as a goat.
There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink and he stays like that for half of an hour. Then, a big he-man truck driver moves next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.' 'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss is outraged and fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.' 'I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'
My mate says his knob is like a semi-colon: He can't remember what it is for, and he never uses it anyway.
The Man Who Gave Up Sex for Golf A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," - and promptly sinks the putt! Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he makes the eagle - and wins the match. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all." "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."
Our local mechanic says he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them. Personally I think he torques out of his backside
Why are women like Tornadoes. Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they go they take your house and car.
A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the chap who'd had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they'd met in a club. He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves. "You lying bastard!" she shouts," last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!" "No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."
Just got a text from the new blonde in the office at work: She wants to know how long she should cook the boil in the bag fish she won at the fair.
A geezer bursts into a crowded boozer waving his unholstered pistol about and yells: "I have in my possession a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a 7 round magazine plus 1 in the chamber. And I want to know who has been shagging my wife." A voice from the back of the pub shouted: "You need more ammo."
