A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,” he observed.. To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mum, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He turned to the third mum, Kathy: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.” At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick Willy up from school and go home…"
Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my Jeep. Sergeant: What kind of Jeep was it? Husband: (sobbing) It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer...... (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.) Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have? Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where do you get seven from?" Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat.....”
Went to the theatre the other night to watch a production called 'The Dictionary'. It was a play on words.
Elizabeth Frizl diary Mon. Stayed in, dad came down and fucked me Tue. Stayed in, dad came down and throat fucked me. Wed. Dad came down tied me up and bummed me. Thurs. stayed in, dad came down and fucked me twice. Fri. Stayed in dad beat me and rough bummed me. Sat. Went to watch Man Utd, wish I’d stayed in.
The wife has downloaded this new app. She says it's great: It tells you what to wear, what to eat and even tells you if you’ve put on weight. Its called the Daily Mail...
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring with rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing"
A boy and a girl punk rocker were listening to some punk music... the girl says to the boy "Is that Johnny Rotten?" "Nah….only used it twice "
My mate just sent me a text after spending the evening in the pub: "Did you know that the flame of a candle smells like burning nasal hair??"
Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
Boyfriend: Im sorry but I cant marry you. Girlfriend : "but why?- whats the problem?" Boyfriend : "its your brother" Girlfriend : "but my brother likes you!" Boyfriend :" I know.... and I like him too...."
