My dyslexic mate said he was told he would never be any good at poetry. But he's sent me a text to say that today he's made 2 jugs and a vase.
A 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?" "NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking. The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you £10 if you hop on the back?" "NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street. The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay then, my last offer! I'll give you £10 and six bags of Wotsits if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride." Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out... "Look Dad - you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Ducati ...YOU RIDE IT!!"
Not saying my mate's wife is a big woman, but he reckons her bath water has its own shipping forecast.
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian" Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died a few years ago. - I'm married to his bloody widow."
2 gays are in a car on the M1 when lorry shunts them from the back. The gay passenger jumps out of the car, runs to the truckers door, and flings it open. Hands on hips, he shouts at the trucker, "I'm gonna sue your ass" The trucker stares at him and replies,"suck my dick hombre" The gay rushes back to the car and tells the driver "Ive just settled out-of-court."
I went out with Tina Turner back in the day. We never had a lot of sex, to be honest, and restricted it to..a grope of a testicle, a stroke of a minge and a feel of a breast. We called it Nut Bush Tittie Limit.
Fred McPhail has a reputable company called McPhail's nails. Business is poor so he decides to have a news paper advertisement designed, approaching his local newspaper for ideas. An artist draws up a sketch of Jesus on the crucifix and a legionnaire hammering the nails into his wrists, with the slogan: 'They used McPhail's Nails'. Fred runs the advert in the local paper and gets bad reviews when it receives complaints of blasphemy. Pissed off, he returns to the artist. “Give me something else that doesn't have Jesus on the cross.” He snapped. The artist draws up another sketch, this time Jesus lying at the bottom of the crucifix with the headline: 'Should've used McPhail's Nails'.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St.Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Bob. "Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal." Bob did relax and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... "BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed!"
If you're here for the yodelling lesson, can you please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
My mate has started making coffins out of glass & he wonders if they will sell. Remains to be seen...
Margaret Thatcher meets Jimmy Saville at the gates of hell and Saville says "What are you down 'ere for Maggie "? "Same as you " says Thatcher, "What would that be then, love?" asks Saville "Shafting miners"
My mate said his mother in law will be dressing up and celebrating as usual this Halloween. She'll be leaving her knickers off this year, so she can get a better grip on her broomstick.
Appear to be ten years younger by simply telling people you are ten years older than your actual age.
I phoned the local Weight Watchers and asked them to send someone round. "No problem." Said the guy on the other end of the phone. "We've got loads of them."
My incontinense is getting worse so I phoned the chemist to see if they would deliver some pads. She asked me where I was ringing from I told her the waist down.
An old man in hospital was visited by his wife. He whispered to her, "Before I go, would you finish me off with dignity?" The old lady pulled the curtains round the bed and replied, "Ok, but I'm not swallowing."
Archaeologists digging on a Pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.
Mark Knopfler comes home carrying a large picture frame and a bag of chips. His missus says " What've you been up to?" He replies.."I was at the Auction House and got a rare French Impressionist painting and I got you something from the chippy on the way home", "How much have spent this time?" "**** all" says Mark.."I got the Monet for nothing and the chips for free"
