We lost all the vowels from our scrabble set. So I've just sold it on eBay as a Welsh language edition.
Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East - They should check out Qatar George...he knows all the Kurds.
Newsflash: Costa Coffee bought for £3.9 billion, It must have been one of those extra large lattes with the caramel topping.
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighbourhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand pounds. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic. The next day, two policemen are going door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the policemen sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." The policeman looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here..."
A man who was going on a cruise consulted his GP because he was worried about sea sickness. The doctor said, "Eat 2lbs of stewed tomatoes, 2lbs of cherries and 6 oranges." "Will that keep me from being sick?" Said the man. "No." Said the doctor. "But it will look really pretty in the water."
Q. Why is sex like maths? A. You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray there’s no multiplying.
Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.............. I can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it !!!!!
I remember getting battered by my dad on Halloween when I was a kid. He told me I could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So I did as he said. When he came in to check on my progress he screamed: “You've ruined the bloody table! And you've even spelt pumpkins wrong!"
My mate didn't have enough cash to get into a brothel last night. So he had to use the hole in the wall.
Jonathan Ross was cautioned after attempting to steal from a kitchen shop ..................... he told police that he thought it was a whisk worth taking!
Doctor,” said the man on the phone, “my teenage son has scarlet fever” “Yes, I know,” replied the doctor. “I came by your house and treated him yesterday. Just keep him away from the others in the house and …” “But you don’t understand,” said the troubled parent. “He’s kissed the maid!” “Well, that’s unfortunate. Now we’ll probably have to quarantine her…” “And, doctor, I’m afraid I’ve kissed the girl myself.” “This is getting complicated. That means you may have contracted the disease.” “Yes, and I’ve kissed my wife since then.” “Great,” exclaimed the doctor, “now I’ll catch it too”
When my mate found a milkman's hat in the bedroom closet, he knew his wife had been cheating on him. So he decided to write a book about it: It's called: 'The lying bitch and the wardrobe'.
21 ECONOMIC MODELS EXPLAINED WITH COWS SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away... TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead. ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy... AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. A WELSH CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking too much wine... Scared the shit out of me. So that's it! After today, no more reading.
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
