Our office at work put together a 'Top 10 reasons why Trick or Treating is better than Sex': 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with, fantasizes you're someone else...because you are. 5) Twenty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) You can do the whole neighbourhood.
A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a 50p piece. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the 50p and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 50p, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "Divorce lawyer."
My gran described her local MP as Elmo. You mean an Emo don't Gran?" I said. " You know, lank black hair, pale skin, black clothes, goth taste in music?" "I know what I mean." Said Gran. "He's a fecking muppet."
A woman goes into labour with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing. So they go home happy, when they get home they find the milkman dead on the porch. I will always remember my grandpa’s last words: "Stop shaking the ladder you little feck!" 20 years of sex in the dark the wife find out he was using a dildo. The wife get angry and says ¨you want to explain the dildo prick?¨ the husband says ¨you want to explain the children?
My wife wanted to go see the Jeremy Kyle show live. So I got her sister pregnant and we are on next Tuesday !!
Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant. Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Phil: - 'Scuse me…. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession. Phil: - Oh! What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Phil: - Er…... Mmmm well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Phil: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden Phil: - As it happens, yes, I have got a big garden! Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Phil: - I do yes, I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: - Well, given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Phil: - Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Phil: - Me? Never! Suit: - Well there you are. That's logical science at work! Phil: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate. Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Eric: - What's that then? Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Eric: - Nope. Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker…
I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance.
Q. What's the difference between Halloween & Christmas? A. Buggered if the supermarkets seem to know either...
My wife didn't speak to me for 3 days last week and I haven't a clue what I did to cause it. Which is a shame because I'd like to do it again next week....
Lol. Wouldn't have been able to even switch on a computer in the very unlikely event I had managed to consume 6 glasses of whiskey.
Two Ryanair passenger planes almost collided in mid-air when they flew over Spain. Pilots took evasive action once the near-miss surcharge had been collected.
A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!" One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career. The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town. 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful...... When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died. The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his vacuum cleaner. Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a fuckin' doctor...
