A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole at the local golf course when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him? The first guy said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the two-some. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five quid a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his £80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to "pick on suckers". The first fellow then revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money, but the Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you - You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation - and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
An Englishman, and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop. The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice. The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever I am? I snitched 3 cookies and put them in my pocket and the baker didn't even notice." You'll never beat that!" The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman." He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious but he gives the cookie to him. The Scotsman eats that one too. Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie." The baker is getting angry now but gives him another cookie anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?" The Scotsman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket"
A young Lady enrolls for a Woodwork Class On the first day of the school term the teacher was surprised to see a rather prim young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Sarah and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class. The bemused teacher asked Sarah if she was sure she was in the right class. Sarah assured him that she was. The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools"? "What exactly do you mean" Sarah asked? "Well, for example, do you know the difference between a screw and a bolt" the teacher expounded? After pondering for a moment, Sarah admitted, "I really cannot say, since I've never been 'bolted' before".......
Man: 'Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom never broke. How is it possible?' Doctor: 'Let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion and killed it!’ Man: 'Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion.’ Doctor: 'Good! You understood the story. Next patient, please.'
The day before his wedding, the "soon to be bridegoom" asks his father if he has any words of wisdom to assist in his new venture? "Just two things," his father says. "First off, tell your new wife that you must have at least one night a week to go out with the boys". "And the second gem of wisdom" the son asks? "Don't waste it on the boys".
I went into the bank and walked up to the lady at the desk and said, "I want to open a fucking bank account." "Excuse me, what did you say ?" she replied. "I said I want to open a FUCKING bank account." "I'm willing to help you," she said, "But if you keep using that kind of language I'll have to get the manager over here." "Why, because i want to open a fucking back account ?" The lady had it and stormed off the the back to get the manager. She came back with the bank manager and he said to me, "Sir, what seems to be the problem ?" I said to him, "The problem is that I just want to open up a fucking bank account here for £5,000,000." The manager replied, "Oh, and is this cunt giving you a hard time !"
Researchers have revealed that a single sperm has 37.5 megabytes of information in its DNA. An ejaculation represents a data transfer of approximately 1,587.5 terabytes of information. This could be a lot of information for some women to swallow.
A Scouser went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them his Dad's old shotgun. Peter Jones said "And what's your idea?" he replied "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the bag!"
My mate has been banned from his local church: Apparently the box marked ‘FOR THE SICK’ refers to monetary contributions...
My mate Pete is a "person of short stature", but a really lovely guy. I bumped in him at the pub last night and he was telling me some funny stories about the flatbread company where he works. I love hearing the pitta patter of tiny Pete.
My mate Dave, who owns a butchers shop, went to see the Pope to see if he would change the words of the Lord’s Prayer to "Give us this day our daily sausages" but the Pope flatly refused. Dave reckons the Pope’s been nobbled and has been bunged a few quid by Warburtons.
