A man was rushed to A&E with a Morphy Richards steam iron up his backside. "Good grief." Said the doctor. "I thought I'd seen it all, how on Earth did you manage that?" "Well." Said the man. "It happened just after my wife opened her birthday present..."
A mate of mine with a stammer was telling me that he almost won the lottery. He was let down by one number. I asked, what number? He said, f f f f f.... I said four? He said, no, f f f f.... I said, five? He said, no, f f f f.... I said, forty? He said, no, f f fucking seven
Unsure when the school holidays are ? Simply check the centre parks website and see when the prices are three times higher than the rest of the year.
Last year I found a genie in a bottle: "Would you like a bigger penis or a better memory?" Asked the genie. I don't remember what happened next...
A guy is sitting on the plane waiting for the doors to close, and it's taking some time. Finally the door closes and a bioke walks in and sits in his seat next to the guy. Everyone knows the plane has been waiting for this bloke. Under his breath he starts chuckling, The guy next to him a little perturbed because they all had to wait, asks him what's so funny. He says "well, I was just about to board the plane and got a text from my boss at work, and we had a change of plans and asked if I could buy two tickets for him and me to fly to Pittsburgh. The other guys says "Yeah, well what's so funny about that?" Well you see, the woman behind the counter had a really huge chest and I just couldn't help myself and meant to say "I need two tickets to Pittsburgh, but instead I said "I need to Pickets to Titsburgh". The guy sitting there who had waited for this guy while they held the plane, kind of chuckled under his breath and started laughing to himself. Then the bloke who got on the plane late, said "Well, what are YOU laughing about?" Then the first guy said "Well I actually did something like that myself just this morning. I was enjoying breakfast with my wife and I meant to say "Honey would you pass me the sugar for my cereal, and what I said was "You ruined my life you fucking Bitch!".
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm...
The dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the fields and woods calling his name for over an hour but I couldn't find him. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head put a leather jacket on and got a tattoo. But I still can't find the fucking dog!
Our local private hospital has performed more cosmetic surgery than any other in the U.K. But if you mention Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.
This afternoon I was on the bus going to town and I was sat behind a young mum and her son. The boy started looking round and pulling funny faces at me. After a few minutes I got tired of his antics so I said “When I was young my mum used to say that if I made an ugly face and the wind changed I’d stay that way”. The little shit replied “ Well you can’t say you weren’t warned”.
My mate asked me if his new goatee made him look like a c*nt. "Only when you pucker your lips." I replied.
My Wife: No Me: But it's a good name My Wife: Terry, we are not calling the dog "Sarah Jessica Barker". Keep thinking. Me: Hmmm My Wife: Keep thinking Me: "Woofie Goldberg" then
My mate said his wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married him.
After dropping off my new girlfriend at her home the other night, after our first date, she told me I’d have to wait 6 months before she’d give me a blow job. I told her that I totally understood and respected her decision.....................and that I’d ring her nearer the time.
What appears at the corner of the screeen when Sweden is playing Denmark spells SweDen. What doesn't appear spells DenMark.
A few years ago, in London, the Queen and Prince Phillip were dining in one of the top restaurants. The waiter came over to take their order, and Phillip said I'll have two rare steaks" The waiter says "Does sir mean two bloody steaks?" "Yes quite right, two bloody steaks" replies Philip The Queen interrupts with " and plenty of fucking chips"
