"Why is my sister called Teresa?" "Because your mother loves Easter, it's an anagram." "Oh, ok. Thanks Dad." "No problem Alan."
I'm going to miss my mother-in-law this Christmas, but I know she'll be up there, looking down at us all. Moaning about the broken stair lift.
I was having a check up at the Doctors today, and when he’d finished I jokingly said “Can I look forward to living a long healthy life then ?”. “Not really, not with Mercury in Uranus” he replied I said “I dont believe in that shite Doc”. “No, you misunderstand, - my thermometer’s snapped up your arse”.
My work colleague was about to show me the photos from his family holiday but the guys from minority report crashed through the roof and arrested me.
Wife: So the genie gave you just the one wish? Me: Yep Wife: And you couldn't think of something, I don't know, slightly beneficial? Me: Susan, there is nothing MORE beneficial! My Cat: Yeah Susan, fuck off
My daughter got an F in her geography exam today. I sent her to her room, but she ended up in the tumble dryer.
Went to the doctors yesterday for a medication review. When it came to the questions about my Arthritus she asked “are you stiff in the mornings?” Apparently “I wish, at my age” was not the answer she was looking for, whoops.
Woman says to GOD : “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are expecting me to marry. What do I do?” GOD replied : “YOU are my finest creation and undoubtedly you will achieve great things. But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want. Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Then who will you blame? Will you blame yourself ?” Woman : “No..” GOD : “ That's why you need a husband” Then Man says to GOD : “But then what will I do ? Who will I blame ?” GOD : “Your scope is much wider dear. You can blame the the education system, the legal system, the traffic, the environment, the economy, the politicians, the bureaucrats, the infrastructure, The government, or even ME...” “But... NEVER EVER BLAME YOUR WIFE.”
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, and escalators; and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy. During the God, Satan, weekly performance meeting. Satan says, “We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!" God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!" Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you." "Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a Lawyer?"
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?” She asks, “What?” “Sex!” he replies. Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart. You couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!” “I know,” Harold says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.” “Well, I can oblige,” says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood. Then one night Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold’s manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?” Old Harold smiled happily and replied…. “Parkinson’s.”
My wife made a game pie last night. The top hat, the thimble & the boot from the Monopoly set were fecking hard to digest...
Quasimodo came home from a hard days ringing, and saw a wok on the kitchen table. He says to his wife "Oh great, are we having Chinese then?" "Nope, i'm just going to iron your shirts"
The wife said, "Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present."
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?" The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you Something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I Was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?" The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why Did you ask me if I'm Irish?" The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
People told the young Beethoven that he would never make a career in music because he was deaf. But he didn’t listen to them...
A 60 year old woman was walking along Oxford Street when she heard a voice from above: "You will live to be 100." She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard: "You will live to be 100." "Boy," she thought to herself, "that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!" So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus, died, and went up to heaven. She said to God, "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?" God said, "I didn't recognize you".
My mate said one of his work colleagues had half his large intestine removed. "Was he in a coma?" I asked. "No." He replied. "But he ended up with a semi-colon."
