There used to be a girl at school we nicknamed Rudolf. Not because she had a red nose, but because she used to go down in history....
Katie Price is set to release a new food sauce. Coincidentally, both she and her product have been described as: 'lacks taste but goes with anything'.
My mate Dave was having an affair with his secretary. One afternoon they couldn't contain themselves, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon having mad kinky sex re-enacting scenes from 50 Shades of Grey. When they were finished, they both fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8 o'clock that night. Realising the time they both got dressed quickly. Then Dave asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird. When Dave finally got home his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. Dave replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon having mad, kinky sex in every position imaginable, several times, and then we both fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looked at him, looked at his grass stained shoes, and shouted "YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again all afternoon, haven't you?"
I think this is hilarious. Happy Christmas you filthy animals. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/ar...idays-convicted-fraud-ordered-pay-30-000.html
My mate Dave went for a job interview today. When I asked him how it went he said "I have a very good feeling about my job interview today. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible" "What did you say to that?" I asked Dave. "Well" said Dave “I told them 'You’ve found your man, because whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”
My mate Dave was in court yesterday. After an 8 hour trial he decided to change his plea to "Guilty". The judge said to him "Why didn't you plead guilty in the first place and save the court all this time and money?" Dave said "I thought I was innocent until I heard all the evidence"
The wife has given me a copy of the Kama Sutra as an early Christmas present. That's going to put me in an awkward position...
BREAKING NEWS: Irish animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm outside Dublin last night, and escaped with 5,000 Turkeys. A spokesman for the gang said, "We will be releasing the birds back into the wild, just as soon as they have been defrosted."
My mate always tries to go the extra mile for his customers. He's one of the most unpopular of our local taxi drivers...
Dearest Redneck Son, 'I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved, so they wouldn't have to change their address. 'This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure 'bout it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. 'The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days, and the second time for four days. 'About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob decided it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. 'Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried, because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. 'Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet; so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. 'Uncle Derek fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, and he burned for three days. 'Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were on the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. 'There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. 'Your favorite Aunt, Mom'
My mate said he got totally bladdered at his work Christmas party yesterday. He vaguely remembers shagging the fit new blonde secretary over the photocopier, and punching his boss in the mouth. At least he hopes it was that way round....
A friend who lives in Shoreham told me his local West Sussex radio station played a song for the people who had their flights from Gatwick cancelled: It was Chris Rea ‘Driving home for Christmas’.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times, American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians. One week later, the British authorities reported that after digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely fuck all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Yorkshire had already gone wireless. Just makes me proud to be from Yorkshire.
