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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. David Cameron: "I look forward to working with Barack Obama for the next four years.

    "Two years, Dave, two years. :smile:
     
    #701 El Toro, Nov 9, 2012
    • Like Like x 5
  2. Definition of 'His': Hers
     
    #702 Pete1950, Nov 10, 2012
  3. My wife has just done her two minutes silence.

    We had sex.
     
    #703 Rudolph Hart, Nov 11, 2012
  4. Definition* of 'Bore': Person who insists on talking instead of listening to me.


    * Acks to Ambrose Bierce
     
    #704 Pete1950, Nov 11, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  5. A woman approached me in a bar.She winked at me and said, "I haven't had a cock for 2 weeks now!"So I took her back to my place. We started kissing and fumbling around.That's when I noticed the scars from her operation. :frown:
     
    #705 El Toro, Nov 12, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  6. After the accidental death of her husband during a solo sex act gone wrong, the newly widowed wife is being interviewed by a police officer.

    "I understand how distressing this is for you, madam. My report may contain some embarrassing information you may wish to remain private. I'll read the report to you and you stop me if there's anything in it you'd like to change. Ok?"

    "Ok, officer".

    "The deceased was found in his bedroom hanging from the wardrobe door, a noose around his neck. He was wearing a fancy dress school girl uniform complete with bra, knickers and fishnet stockings. He was wearing nipple clamps and a large, still functioning, vibrator was inserted in his rectum. Over his head was a soiled pair of knickers, identified as belonging to his wife. He was handcuffed with a pair of novelty pink furry handcuffs and was partway through the act of masturbation. Nearby was a copy of Take A Break magazine propped open to display a picture of Lorraine Kelly."

    "Lorraine Kelly!!?"

    "I know, madam. Some things are just hard to explain.."
     
    #706 El Toro, Nov 12, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  7. Pollyfilla have just launched their Saville range. It fills tiny cracks but you cant tell for 30 years.!
     
    #707 Phartycr0c, Nov 13, 2012
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  8. Having met the woman who I thought was the one, I was rummaging through her knicker drawer when I found a Nurses outfit, a Policewomans outfit, and an air hostess outfit. Disappointingly pushing the drawer closed, I thought to myself, if she cant hold a job down then perhaps shes not for me!
     
    #708 Phartycr0c, Nov 13, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  9. After laying on the bottom of the Atlantic sea bed for over 100 years, were amazed to find the Titanic's swimming pool was still full!
     
    #709 Phartycr0c, Nov 13, 2012
  10. Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

    If they catch him they estimate the trial could last 30 days...
     
    #710 Rudolph Hart, Nov 13, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  11. My wife is wearing one of those skirts where I can just see the edge of her bum poking out.

    I'd probably find it sexy if the skirt wasn't knee length.
     
    #711 Rudolph Hart, Nov 13, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Came home from work and found my mother in law masterbating with a cucumber. Thats friggin great, I'm going to eat that later and it's going to taste like cucumber.
     
    #712 cyrusb, Nov 13, 2012
  13. Q. How many government ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet.
     
    #713 Rudolph Hart, Nov 14, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  14. I was showing this really pretty American girl the ropes at the office.

    "Oh," she said in the morning. "Shall we take the elevator?"
    "It's a LIFT," I said.

    At lunchtime she said, "Are we going to the refectory?"
    "It's a CANTEEN," I said.

    At the end of the day I was feeling lucky so I said, "How about you and me spending a couple of hours at the pictures then going back to my place and sitting on the sofa with a bottle of wine?"
    "O.K," she giggled. "But all that sitting down with you may end up with me getting a sore fanny!"
    "It's an ARS..." I began ."......Oh forget it, either is fine with me."
     
    #714 El Toro, Nov 14, 2012
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  15. I was having a row with my wife last night and she accused me of being childish.


    What does she know? She's just a stinky poo face.
     
    #715 El Toro, Nov 14, 2012
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  16. Very clever
     
    #716 mattmccabebrown, Nov 14, 2012
  17. Dwarf goes to buy a racehorse. Says to the owner "can I thee her eyeth?". So the owner picks him up and he looks into the horses eyes, puts him down again. Dwarf says "can I thee her teeff?" SO the owner picks him up again so he can look at the horses teeth, puts him down again. Dwarf says "can I thee her ear-thh?" Frustrated the owner picks him up again and the dwarf inspects the ears, puts him down again. Dwarf says "can I thee her twot?" Owner now very frustrated picks the dwarf up and shoves his face into the horses vagina. Puts the dwarf down. Dwarf say "let me rephrath, can I thee her wrun arwound"
     
    #717 Multi rider, Nov 14, 2012
  18. A lady circus dwarf and a gentleman circus dwarf get married. Soon, she's pregnant.
    Off they go to the hospital for her scan and afterwards they're sat with the consultant.

    "Everythings OK" he says "all as it should be, a healthy baby. Do you want to know the sex of the child?"

    "no thanks" says the father-to-be "we're not bothered if it's a boy or a girl...........as long as it fits in a cannon"
     
    #718 Parabolica, Nov 14, 2012
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  19. I once asked my girlfriend to suck the life out of me and leave me dry.

    She replied, "YES! I will marry you."
     
    #719 Rudolph Hart, Nov 14, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  20. So if you had the choice of keeping the wife or winning the lottery.

    Which bike would you buy first?
     
    #720 Old Jock, Nov 15, 2012
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