The sign in the pub said 'In case of fire - break glass'. Now my beer's gone everywhere, and there's still a fire...
I’ve just read that some sex therapists claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s bollocks.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup. I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”
The wife and I had our 10th anniversary last summer, and she kept telling me how romantic it would be if we had sex on a horse. I wasn't that crazy about the idea, but she kept insisting so eventually I went along with it and we got on the horse's back and did it. Sure enough it turned out to be quite a bit of fun until the manager of Sainsburys stormed out there and unplugged the damned thing!
i tried to get my girl friend to stimulate me with her car keys..........but she just keeps fobbing me off!
News flash: Santa arrested. He was checking his list, then he checked it twice to find out who was naughty or nice. At that point he fell foul of GDPR data protection laws...
Did you hear about Bernard the brown nosed reindeer? He was just as fast as Rudolf but he couldn't stop as quickly.
They say that criminals often return to the scene of the crime. That explains why we have so many Australians over here.
Two prostitutes were talking on Christmas Eve: One said to the other, "What are you going to ask Santa for?" The other said, "25 quid, same as everybody else."
It’s true what they say about if you eat a lot of spicy food...................you can lose your sense of taste. When I was in India last summer, I listened a lot to Michael Bolton.
A Lesbian stopped me today an asked for directions. She got really abusive when I told her to keep going straight
Most old tennis players are witches: Sue Barker is a witch. Martina Navratilova is a witch. Then there’s Goran. Even he’s a witch.
He laid her on the table. So white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat. He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast. And then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide... He looked inside. All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms... And then he stuffed the turkey.
"When you stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes ???" "Madam, please just blow into the Breathalyzer".
I always knew my cousin George was going to join the police when he grew up: When we used to play Subbuteo all he wanted to do was walk around the pitch looking at the crowd .
I hate all those adverts on TV about alleged miracle "anti-aging" creams. What a crock of shit. If they really did work the anti-ageing advert that I'd like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, "Aah, I’ve used too much".
The man who invented human cloning has died. The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.
