Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy!
Apparently Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she said, "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis"
In the news recently: A London man bought a kettle from Argos in Kensington High Road. On unwrapping it in his kitchen he found a live snake inside the packaging. Argos must be getting really serious about people who nick their little blue pens...
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, swimming with sharks could cost you an arm and a leg..
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the live-in maid. So she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t tell her husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: “Excuse me, my dear, my stomach aches” and went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went and got into the maid’s bed where she switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her. When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: “You didn’t expect to find me in this bed, did you?” And then she switched on the light. “No ma’am.” said the Gardener
A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers." He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" The homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" Asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the fucking dog!"
Sam died. His Will provided £30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but £30,000?" Helen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another £500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "£22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats."
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together!!!!! Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body. Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two buttholes.” “What? He had two buttholes?” asked the mortician. Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two buttholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes!”
My mate has started working as a spiritual guidance leader with the local church. To coincide with this he has changed his surname to 'Parcel'. He is known in the church as Pastor Parcel..
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?" "Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night." "That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know." "Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.
My mate said he received an e-mail advertising guaranteed penis enlargement for £1.99. He clicked the link, entered his details and the bastards stole his identity and cleaned out his bank account. Still, it sort of worked. He feels a massive prick now....
I asked my librarian if she had a specific book on small penis'. "She said "I don't think it's in yet". I said "that's the one!"
A mate who moved to work in America said his new blonde secretary thought a quarterback was a refund.
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
A vicar is having a wank in the bathroom. As he’s finishing himself off, he turns around to see the window cleaner staring at him. Red faced, he rushes downstairs as he hears a knock at the door. "I've done your windows Vicar, that’ll be £100,” says the cleaner with a smirk and a wink. Hurriedly, the vicar pays him and shuts the door. The vicars wife, who had been listening, yelled: "£100 for 4 small windows?! He must’ve seen you coming!"
