What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One's a large marsupial, the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift
One of my colleagues apologised to everyone today saying he wasn't really 'with it'. Apparently he spent all last night drinking Brandy: Great prostitute but one hell of a gusher.
My mate Dave piled on the weight over Christmas so he decided to go to the doctors the first week of January to get his thoughts on how to lose the excess weight he'd put on. The doctor decided to put him on a diet and said to him "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 kilos." Dave went back to the doctors yesterday. The doctor weighed him and was shocked as Dave had lost nearly 20 kilos! "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Dave nodded, "I'll tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping." said Dave
My mate was telling me about his new blonde girlfriend: He said, "She's a great looker, but if she spoke her mind she'd be speechless."
Patient: "Doc, I feel that I am really ugly and I really hate myself" Psychologist: "Hey,look at me, - you're not ugly,- nobody is ugly, - we're all beautiful in our own way" Patient: "Wow really?" Psychologist: "Yes and you're a very fine looking young man" Patient: "No - I'm a girl" Psychologist:" Fuck"
My mate fancies himself as a singer, so he sent a demo CD to a record company. He says he received a letter informing his all his songs were hits. Shame he's dyslexic...
The following questions were set in last year's gcse examinations These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs Q... What happens to your body as you age A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Top tip: When you are trying to identify a bird seen in your garden whilst having your breakfast, don't google 'Thrush'
In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turns to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done"
Top tip: When you are trying to identify a bird seen in your garden whilst having your breakfast, don’t Google ‘Thrush’.....
Paddy and Murphy out for a drink, find they've only got a quid between them. "Hold on here" says Paddy and he disappears. Few minutes later he rejoins Murphy with a single sausage. "You daft get" says Murphy "were both completely skint". "Iv'e got a plan, we go into the pub, get our drinks and just as were about to pay, you get down on your knees and suck the sausage. Ill have it shoved into me flies. Sup yer pint quick loike, we will get kicked out". said Paddy First pub. Drinks ordered. The boys down the pints and just as the barman asks for payment Paddy whips the sausage out of his flies, Murphy gets down on his knees as sucks the sausage. Kicked straight out. Ten pubs and ten pints later, Murphy says, "Sorry Paddy, I cant do this no more, I'm shit faced and me knees are killin me". "You think that's bad? oi can't remember which pub I lost the sausage in!"
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to see the Monkees in concert in Switzerland. Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.
Paul McCartney has allowed hair to go completely grey. Until recently he got dye with a little help from his friends..
The local Golf Club duffer challenged the golf pro to a match, with a £100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better then I, to even it a bit, you have to allow me two 'gotchas.'" The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it and agreed. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer £100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well, "said the pro. "l was teeing up for the first hole, and as l brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling "Gotcha!" "Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha?'"
Reports are saying a man has been mugged outside the local Kingdom Hall. Police are appealing for witnesses...
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business, when this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, “You’re kinda cute, you got a phone number?” I said “Yeah, you got a pen?” She said “Yeah”. I said “Well you’d better get back in it before the farmer misses you”. The six stitches I received later were painful, but who cares?
