Phone the council to ask if I could have a skip outside my house Guy said I could cartwheel round the whole fukin block for all he cared
I saw a bloke putting up a sign over his store that said "Shoo Shop." I went over to tell him that it was spelt wrong. He told me to feck off and chased me away.
He laid her on the table, White, clean and bare, His forehead wet, With beds of sweat, He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and felt her breast, And drooling felt her thigh, The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide he looked inside, All was dark and murky, He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms, And then he......... Stuffed the turkey. :biggrin: May I wish all your dirty little minds a Merry Christmas :wink:
More entries from the Uxbridge English Dictionary Tinker: Thoughtful Irishman Coffee: Person on whom one coughs Himalayas: Hermaphrodite chickens Shire: Downpour in the home counties Canary: Hirsute can Deduce: Squeeze de lemon Collier: Like a collie but more so Roulette: A tiny rule Boing: Maker of rubber aeroplanes Eczema: Mother you gave away Polygamy: Ancient Japanese art of wife-folding
Many years ago I underwent a painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed. Got some great wedding presents though.......
My wife took it pretty hard when I told her I didn't want kids...But it seemed to hit our children hardest of all.
I'm so thrilled at getting a job checking air compressor accuracy at filling stations , that I'm going down the pub tonight to calibrate.
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.” He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Seamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!” Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.” He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Seamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!” Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!” They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.” The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Seamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!” Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”
Q. How many Chelsea Managers does it take to change a Lightbulb? A. They don't know. The lightbulb usually outlasts them.
I was in Tesco recently, when I bumped into this woman I'd started dating: "Oi, you told me you were in the Red Arrows" she said. "No I didn't" I said, arranging the washing powder, "I told you I was in the Ariel display team."
Macauley Culkin is making a film about a man who lends a load of money to one of the Simpsons. It's called 'Homer Loan'....
I've just bought the BBC advent calendar.Every time I open a door, I have to pretend I haven't seen Jimmy Savile abusing a child.
A young married couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening, as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about you trying the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow ! ... . . You mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, but it's turned black already...
I went to hospital with a toilet brush up my arse. The doctor said, "How did this happen?" I said, "Well I met this bird in a club, one thing led to another and we ended up back at mine..." He said, "Into the kinky stuff was she?" I said, "No ... my wife was home"
