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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Phone the council to ask if I could have a skip outside my house

    Guy said I could cartwheel round the whole fukin block for all he cared
     
    #721 Old Jock, Nov 15, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  2. I saw a bloke putting up a sign over his store that said "Shoo Shop."

    I went over to tell him that it was spelt wrong.

    He told me to feck off and chased me away.
     
    #722 Rudolph Hart, Nov 15, 2012
    • Like Like x 1


  3. Superb!! :biggrin:
     
    #723 470four, Nov 15, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2014
  4. He laid her on the table,
    White, clean and bare,
    His forehead wet,
    With beds of sweat,
    He rubbed her here and there.

    He touched her neck and felt her breast,
    And drooling felt her thigh,
    The slit was wet and all was set,
    He gave a joyous cry.

    The hole was wide he looked inside,
    All was dark and murky,
    He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms,
    And then he.........





    Stuffed the turkey. :biggrin:


    May I wish all your dirty little minds a Merry Christmas :wink:



    [​IMG]
     
    #724 Rudolph Hart, Nov 17, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  5. More entries from the Uxbridge English Dictionary

    Tinker: Thoughtful Irishman
    Coffee: Person on whom one coughs
    Himalayas: Hermaphrodite chickens
    Shire: Downpour in the home counties
    Canary: Hirsute can
    Deduce: Squeeze de lemon
    Collier: Like a collie but more so
    Roulette: A tiny rule
    Boing: Maker of rubber aeroplanes
    Eczema: Mother you gave away
    Polygamy: Ancient Japanese art of wife-folding
     
    #725 Pete1950, Nov 19, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  6. Many years ago I underwent a painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed.



    Got some great wedding presents though.......
     
    #726 Rudolph Hart, Nov 19, 2012
  7. My wife took it pretty hard when I told her I didn't want kids...But it seemed to hit our children hardest of all.
     
    #727 El Toro, Nov 19, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  8. I'm so thrilled at getting a job checking air compressor accuracy at filling stations , that I'm going down the pub tonight to calibrate.
     
    #728 El Toro, Nov 19, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  9. Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
    have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of
    one Euro.


    Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”

    He went
    next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.



    Seamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”


    Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”


    He went into
    the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of
    Jamieson Whisky.

    Seamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
    trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”

    Murphy replied, with
    a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”

    They downed their Drinks.
    Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your
    knees and put it in your mouth.”

    The barman noticed them, went berserk,
    and threw them out.

    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
    more drunk, all for free.

    At the tenth pub Seamus said “Murphy - I don't
    think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”


    Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I
    lost the sausage in.”
     
    #729 eyore, Nov 23, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Q. How many Chelsea Managers does it take to change a Lightbulb?

    A. They don't know. The lightbulb usually outlasts them.
     
    #730 Rudolph Hart, Nov 23, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  11. #731 470four, Nov 24, 2012
    • Like Like x 5
  12. I was in Tesco recently, when I bumped into this woman I'd started dating:

    "Oi, you told me you were in the Red Arrows" she said.

    "No I didn't" I said, arranging the washing powder, "I told you I was in the Ariel display team."
     
    #732 Rudolph Hart, Nov 24, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  13. Macauley Culkin is making a film about a man who lends a load of money to one of the Simpsons.

    It's called 'Homer Loan'....
     
    #733 Rudolph Hart, Nov 24, 2012
  14. Enter "breading" into Google images as a search...

    Not dirty but VERY funny!
     
    #734 470four, Nov 24, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Q. What runs at nearly 30mph & smells of curry?






    A. Usain Balti...
     
    #735 Rudolph Hart, Nov 25, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  16. Naked man gets baled later...



    Funny as!
     
    #736 470four, Nov 25, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2014
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Newton's third law of Emotion:

    For every male action, there is a female overreaction.
     
    #737 Rudolph Hart, Nov 26, 2012
  18. I've just bought the BBC advent calendar.Every time I open a door, I have to pretend I haven't seen Jimmy Savile abusing a child.
     
    #738 the.kickboxer, Nov 26, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  19. A young married couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
    When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
    After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
    Later that evening, as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about you trying the African string-and-weight procedure?"
    The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
    "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
    "Wow ! ... . . You mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
    "No, but it's turned black already...
     
    #739 Johnno, Nov 27, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  20. I went to hospital with a toilet brush up my arse.
    The doctor said, "How did this happen?"
    I said, "Well I met this bird in a club, one thing led to another and we ended up back at mine..."
    He said, "Into the kinky stuff was she?"



    I said, "No ... my wife was home"
     
    #740 Rudolph Hart, Nov 27, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
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