I'm not saying the staff at B&Q are stupid, but I asked one guy a simple question and he was straight on the tannoy. "Can a Matt White come to the checkout please? I have a customer looking for a Matt White..."
Just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China’. Obviously a sham rock.
My mate bought a book with the title: 'Famous cowards in history'. He took it back to the shop & complained when all the pages fell out. The bookshop owner explained, "They won't stay in because it has no spine."
At a recent interview I asked a candidate if he could perform under pressure? He replied: "I don't know that one, I can have a bash at Bohemian Rhapsody if you like?"
We bought Grandad a Lego set to help him with his memory. We spread the bricks at the side of his bed to remind the old sod to put his slippers on when he got up in the morning..
I once met a Dutch girl on a dating website named Rita, she seemed lovely. However she told me she wore inflatable shoes. I thought it was a bit odd, but carried on and we arranged to meet for a date. When the time came she sadly never showed up. When I returned home I emailed her to ask why she never showed. It turns out that she'd popped her clogs.
Paddy was arrested for breaking into a greenhouse. When the police asked why he did it, he said: "I only wanted to see what was inside."
A Labour Politician, a BBC TV Reporter and a British SAS Soldier were captured by ISIS. They were, as usual, sentenced to Death by Beheading. Unexpectedly, the ISIS Leader said they could each have One Last Request before Sentence was carried out..?? The Labour Politician asked to hear a rendering of ‘Keep the Red Flag Flying Here’. The BBC TV Reporter asked that the Beheading be Televised so that even when she was Dead, her face would still be on TV. The British SAS Trooper asked to be Kicked Three Times in the Arse. HARD.. As the SAS Trooper's was such an unusual request ISIS decided to carry his out Request first. And as the last kick landed, the SAS Trooper pulled a hidden 9 mm Glock Pistol out of his Smock, shot three Terrorists Dead, grabbed one of their fallen AK47s and Shot Dead the rest of the Terrorists. The other Two Prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be KICKED three times before drawing his Weapon..??? "Because", said the SAS Trooper, “When we get back to the UK. I don’t want you fucking Pair of Politically Correct Clowns, saying it was an "Unprovoked Attack”..
My mate never makes jokes about his fat wife. He says she always has more than enough on her plate...
A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a fellow fisherman says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the angler thinks quickly and blurts out "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish" Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language please! This is God's house" replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the priest. "Oh" says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker" says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what? You cunts are alright"
Not fair: Our local pub refuses to serve me when I am drunk. Yet the local Burger King just keeps on serving the fecking fat chavs..
“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old nephew. “Someone who will wear something just to look different.” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in charity shops and wear thick glasses.” “Is Grandma a hipster?” He asked.
